the now and the not yet

New year, New Location

2012-02-09T07:49:00.001-06:00

My blog has a new home: www.thenowandthenotyet.wordpress.com

Thanks for continuing to share in my journey, friends.

We are Nashville

2010-05-06T15:53:00.000-05:00

Some ways to Help the Nashville Area:

You can also donate $10 to Flood Relief in the area by Texting 'REDCROSS' to 90999.

In case you haven't heard what's going on in Nashville, because we aren't looting and such, here are a few links:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/36927001#36927001
http://www.section303.com/we-are-nashville-4366
http://www.flickr.com/photos/yahooeditorspicks/galleries/72157623858733433/#photo_4574790984
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WcmbX_JO95g

Jennifer Knapp on Jennifer Knapp

2010-04-13T23:35:00.000-05:00

excerpt from JKnapp's recent interview with Christianity Today: "if you remove the social problem that homosexuality brings to the church—and the debate as to whether or not it should be called a "struggle," because there are proponents on both sides—you remove the notion that I am living my life with a great deal of joy. It never occurred to me that I was in something that should be labeled as a "struggle." The struggle I've had has been with the church, acknowledging me as a human being, trying to live the spiritual life that I've been called to, in whatever ramshackled, broken, frustrated way that I've always approached my faith. I still consider my hope to be a whole human being, to be a person of love and grace. So it's difficult for me to say that I've struggled within myself, because I haven't. I've struggled with other people. I've struggled with what that means in my own faith. I have struggled with how that perception of me will affect the way I feel about myself."

You can read the whole article here

My friend, David Dollar, shares his thoughts here: Clouds in My Coffee

Remembering

2010-03-24T00:36:00.000-05:00

I grabbed a hanger to hang up a shirt, as I was putting away my laundry Sunday afternoon, not thinking anything about it at first. Then I stopped, realizing it was a hanger that Nannie had crocheted for me many years ago. I sighed, remembering Mom telling me about Nannie seeing one of those crocheted hangers just a few years ago and her ooohing and ahhhing about how pretty it was and asking who made it. Mom had to tell her that she made those for us, and Nannie said, "I did?"

She hasn't remembered much for a while now. Nannie has suffered from Alzheimer's (dementia) for several years now and has been in a Nursing Home. Her short term memory was the first thing to go. She'd remember you as you were 5-10 years ago instead of current and you might have to remind her who you are. I remember visiting her on one of her good days once. After a while she squinted her eyes, took a long look at me, and said, "I don't remember your hair being so dark, Jill!" I chuckled a good bit, because my hair was about 50-75% gray until I started coloring it about 3 years ago. We had a good laugh about that and then she tried to sing along with her favorite CD again, old Gospel hymns like "Keep Me Safe, Til the Storm Passes By" and "Beulah Land." Her frail body and clouded mind strained to find the words so familiar to her. Her spirit wanted to belt out those songs so much, she managed to hum the tune as she rocked back and forth, her heart crying out the words written on it, hidden by the clouds of dementia.

I know she is singing with The Choir today, right next to Grandaddy, who went on before her 21 years ago. She's singing all her favorites, and as Mom said Sunday when she called to tell me the news, Nannie remembers all the words now. She's re-telling all those dreadful, embarrassing childhood stories about me to the Angels and Prophets now, just like she did every year at Thanksgiving and Christmas or other family gatherings. It's always the same ones, "Just My Size!" "I Brought My Bucket!" "La-La-La-Wucky" and the "Tuesday Roller/Smell-fume" one...yes, my eyes rolled back in my head every time the words "Remember when Jill..."

Today, I won't be rolling my eyes. Today, I will remember fondly and laugh with you, Nannie. I will hold the hands and shoulders and backs of my family as we celebrate your Homegoing service. We will cry because we miss you. We will rejoice because now you are whole, you are healed, you are home; and we are a little bit jealous...

2 Corinthians 5:6-9

"Therefore, being always of good courage, and knowing that while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord--for we walk by faith, not by sight--we are of good courage, I say, and prefer rather to be absent from the body and to be at home with the Lord. Therefore we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him."

Slave to None, Servant of All

2009-12-31T23:01:00.001-06:00

I had a great lunch today with a friend I hadn't seen since college. It never ceases to amaze me that, after swapping the "how did you get here from there" stories, you can just pick right back up as if no time has passed.

She's a few weeks into her second trimester with her first child and she shared an interesting observation. She said that now she understands why humans have such a long gestation period...it's to give you the time you need, time to come to terms with and grieve over the loss of your own freedom.

Yeah, I let that soak in as I was driving back. It's true. You're giving up your life for this kid on the way. You will never again have the freedom you did before. Every decision you make for YEARS will directly affect this new life. I think it's easy to recognize the obligation of responsibility parents assume when they choose to bring a child into the world. What I see now more than ever, is the sacrifice. Parents (good parents, I dare say) give up their rights to serve themselves and agree to serve in the best interest of their child. Even when it means they may suffer some, they always choose what serves their child's best interest.

Then I thought about Christ, how he chose to be a servant. Jesus wasn't even a parent, yet he chose to be a servant, to everyone. He was Lord of All, subject to none, and yet he chose to serve. All the power and sovereign authority of God, the Father, and he still chose to serve. He gave up all the rights to himself, and served everyone.

Jesus was the original Servolutionary. He was slave to none, and servant of all.

As we leave another year, another decade, and begin this new year of 2010, may we all be so bold. May we be bold enough to serve each other, to serve others we don't know, to meet a need just because it needs meeting.

Primal

2009-12-21T23:54:00.002-06:00

A while back I signed up to be a part of a blog tour for Mark Batterson's new book, Primal. I'm not far into the book and I can already see things I've heard our own senior pastor, Mike Glenn, say but with a fresh spin on it. This is a good thing to me because A) I like Mike and his style of teaching, B) These fresh spins are obviously good things, reiterating truths I need to sink deeper and C) Two teachers, one in Tennessee and one in Washington, D.C., teaching the same thing serve as confirmation for each other.

Some of the common teachings I am hearing in Mark's book are:

we have forgotten how inconvenient it is to follow in the footsteps of Christ
we are the ones who complicate Christianity
Christians are more known for what we're against than what we're for
most of us know what we believe but not why we believe it
people don't wanna hear what you have to say until you meet their needs first (compassion before truth)
what comes out when you get squeezed? (reactions reveal what's in your heart) toothpaste comes out of a tube of toothpaste, does Jesus come out of you?

I enjoyed reading the short history of the beginnings of World Vision, a cause near and dear to my heart. Mark poses the question to us: "What will kill you if you don't do it?" He dares us to consider what our true passion, or compassion as he says, is. He dares us to search this out, because once you know, "You can't not do something about it."

I flipped towards the end of the book to read a bit there (quite Mike-like for those of you who know him) and read a section entitled "Beyond Reasonableness." Quite appropriate for me, for those of you who know me. I'm usually a logic girl. I like things to make sense. However, I am finding lately that it is when things make the least human sense that they make the most God-sense, if you will. In this section of Primal, Mark quotes Yann Martel saying, "I was sick to death of reasonableness." Feels quite freeing to agree with that statement. Mark goes on to pose that so many of us limit God to our senses and our logic, naturalism and rationalism. He says, "As a result, our soul shrinks to the size of our senses, our mind shrinks to the size of our logic." Then, he poses a question to ponder, "Do you have any God ideas that are being held ransom to reasonableness?"

Sick to death of reasonableness, indeed. I definitely look forward to reading the rest of this book. I am challenged to have fresh faith unhindered by the constrictions of logic, sense, and other things that may have been built on top but are unnecessary (see ch. 1 for that reference!), things that are hiding the true, primal nature of my faith that yearns to shine through.

help my unbelief

2009-12-06T23:59:00.005-06:00

I soooo want to be able to live in complete trust and faith above any circumstances that come, as I have been being challenged to do. I want to rest completely in Jesus' grip knowing that whatever comes, He is able and He is sovereign and nothing else matters.

Today, I am not that girl. Today, I am like the man we talked about this morning in Mark 9 who brings his boy to Jesus to be healed. He believes, yet his son has been afflicted from childhood and no one, not even the disciples, have been able to heal him. He pleads with Jesus, "If you can..." and Jesus laughs (I believe) and replies "If I can? All things are possible to him who believes." The father cries, "I do believe, help my unbelief!"

I am this man today. The twelve inches between my head and my heart seem so far apart. I hear Jesus saying in that "Are you kidding me?" tone of Mark 9, 'don't you remember all I've brought you through? Do you not remember how I've provided before?'

I do remember. Indeed You are faithful. What I know in my heart conflicts with what I see in my head. Jesus, I need your eyes to color how I see my circumstances. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.

Come, every soul by sin oppressed, there's mercy with the Lord;
and he will surely give you rest, by trusting in his Word.
Only trust him, only trust him, only trust him now.
He will save you, he will save you, he will save you now.

Pass me not, O gentle Savior, Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling, Do not pass me by.

Savior, Savior, Hear my humble cry,
While on others Thou are calling, Do not pass me by.

Let me at a throne of mercy Find a sweet relief;
Kneeling there in deep contrition, Help my unbelief.

Savior, Savior, Hear my humble cry,
While on others Thou are calling, Do not pass me by.

lyrics

2009-11-08T12:05:00.001-06:00

Sidewalk Prophets are one of my new favorite groups. Direct and simple lyrics that express our deepest aches and challenge us to believe what we know, to live what we believe.

You Can Have Me - Sidewalk Prophets

If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams

Would I love You enough to let go
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering

I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

biting my tongue

2009-11-05T23:28:00.000-06:00

Lately, I find that, more often than not (especially at work), I tend to voice my opinion about things quite in the moment. I'm pretty blunt most of the time, which my new boss actually doesn't mind so that's pretty cool. He did ask me a while back that when I run across things I disagree with or maybe think need "tweaking," if I'd just bite my tongue in the moment and wait til we can "pow wow" about it later. While waiting to chat it up is not my favorite (I'm a see a problem want to fix it now kinda person...), I am thankful he's cool to "pow wow" about stuff at all.

In trying to do what I was asked, I think I actually took it to the extreme and held my tongue too much...I've felt quite stressed lately at work, which is ridiculous because I'm a massage therapist. I rub on people all day long listening to relaxing music of my choice in a dimly lit room. I realized Tuesday after almost losing it (read: demanded a mini pow wow immediately) due to some unnecessary construction noise in the office (we recently moved, still lots of "transition") that there was obviously more going on internally with me than that.

After some simmering and listening, I realized that there were some other things that happened recently that really bugged me that I hadn't taken the time to pow wow with the boss about. I think maybe I "bit my tongue" in the moment so many times lately that I almost bit it off, never even writing stuff down and getting it off my mind so I'm not dwelling on it so much. I keep putting off the pow wow cause I feel like I don't have time and we'll have to talk too long and yadda yadda yadda over and over....

I'm so glad I don't have to bite my tongue with Jesus. I can call out to Him and spill it in the very moment it happens, whatever it is. I'm glad He wants me to talk to Him, whenever and wherever I am. I'm glad it's a conversation, where I talk for a while, and Jesus talks for a while. It's cool to have that friend that you can call up and say, "Hey, I'm driving and about to fall asleep. Can you talk and keep me awake?" It's cool to have a friend that I can call up and say, "Hey, I'm exhausted and weary. I need some help making it through this day. Can you talk me through it, help keep me goin?" I'm glad He's available to "pow wow" at any given moment.

Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.

Jeremiah 33:3

Solitude

2009-10-31T22:06:00.007-05:00

I've had plenty, the past few days. Tho not by choice (food poisoning), I really enjoyed it. I'd forgotten how much I truly cherish alone time.

"I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude." -Henry David Thoreau, Walden

I used to have a sort of standing rule that I have 24hrs of alone time every week. There were weeks when it would just happen, and there were weeks when I had to be deliberate about it. I've felt lately that maybe God was calling me to not be so protective of my alone time and to trust Him more, so I've said "yes" to many more things than I normally would. I have been blessed by new opportunities, friends and experiences I would not be having if I wasn't saying yes to more.

I do think I need more discernment in my yes'. Jesus sought alone time. (Luke 5:16) Obviously it is a good thing. I know, for me, alone time with Jesus hiking in His creation is my favorite. It sooo refuels me. I definitely need some help finding a balance. Perhaps a hike is in order for tomorrow...*big smiles*

Staring into the Son

2009-10-25T20:50:00.003-05:00

Went hiking again today at Burgess Falls, hoping to see some good Fall color. Pretty good, not quite in "full bloom" yet. Awesome time exploring different areas than before today, because there was TONS of water rolling over the Falls and the spray at the bottom was quite drenching! We were a good 50 yards back from the base of the Falls and getting drenched. We even hiked around the bend to some grist/iron mill ruins and there was STILL spray floating around in the air!

Definitely made me think of the concept of Overflow and how we're supposed to live out of it...

Can you imagine being so filled to overflowing that your "spray" reached even people on the fringes of your life? That bus driver you see everyday, the guy at the deli, your postman, that lady you let in front of you at the grocery story...

Driving home, we were heading straight into the setting sun. Sun visor wouldn't come down low enough, so I had to tilt my hat down to not be staring into the sun. Have you ever noticed that, even if you're not looking directly into the Sun, if you're looking towards the Sun and nothing is impeding it's light, everything else around you is not easy to see any more. Cars, Trees, the road, people cutting in front of you...They all become dimmer in the stark light of the Sun.

This made me think of Staring into the Son...

Seeing people around me colored with His light, their harshness removed. Distractions dimmed and moot because I can't see them anymore. Warmth reaching every part of me in the light.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace"

adoption

2009-08-17T12:06:00.005-05:00

Much like my friend, Katharine, my mind has been on adoption lately...

People try to bug me about my singleness. Like my aunt, who recently said to me over the phone after my cousin (her daughter) got married, "So when are we gonna meet Mr. Jill?" Funny thing is, I am pretty much at peace with waiting for my mate...waiting for God to prepare my future mate for me, waiting for God to continue his work in me to prepare me...I only wanna do this marriage thing once, definitely, so I really am okay with waiting; waiting for the right time, right man, right me.

I actually don't feel any "biological clock ticking" like some ladies do. It's not that I don't ever see myself getting married. I do, actually. Whenever I dream and picture my future, I do not see myself in it alone. I just don't see myself and my husband with children. Not that we will not have children, I just don't see them in the picture at the moment. And when I hold a newborn baby, as I did yesterday, I don't have any pressing desire to have children either. Again, not that I won't ever have children, I just don't feel any pressing desire to do so at the moment. The best thing about babysitting is you get to give the kids back at the end of the day. =)

It's interesting to me, various peoples' reaction to that particular fact about me at the moment. Some are utterly shocked. They gasp and say something like, "You mean you don't EVER want to have children?" Horrified, hands sliding down their cheeks pushing their jaw to the floor as if I've just spoken some kind of blasphemy. And there are the others that are just genuinely shocked that I am not worried about the time table of it all, being 36 and creeping fast towards the next big b'day that ends with a -0. "You might not be able to have children then, even if you do want them! blah blah blah" I gently remind both categories that even if God does put the desire in my heart to have children and my body is not able to safely carry them when I do get married, there are plenty of kids in this world that need a home. There are soooooo many children out there that want to be loved and need parents. We ourselves are adopted sons and daughters of the King. Who better to take in and redeem an orphan than someone who has been one as well and has been redeemed and restored by the King himself?

Our pastor is doing a sermon series on relationships right now and, interestingly enough, I joined a group studying 1 & 2 Peter which, as it turns out, is mostly about relationships (I had forgotten this since I studied Peter last...). So for about 3 weeks straight, I heard all about what it takes to be (and support) a godly man, ditto for women, marriage and what God intended it to be, what obstacles we face in marriage because we are fallen, etc. You'd think I'd be like, "okay God, whaddup wid all dis?" But actually, I've quite enjoyed it. I've taken away some really good nuggets to chew on for a while. Biggest of which being that our world, our culture, truly has nothing of value for us to hear about marriage because they didn't create it. The world can't speak wisely about it, or understand it for that matter, because the world didn't create it.

I started wondering if there was something broken in me because I don't feel the urge to have kids or feel the clock ticking thing right now. One of my friends pointed out that it is a huge blessing that I do not feel a perverbial ticking of the biological clock right now. I told her the thing about I don't see myself having kids or feel pressed time wise and she said, "Well praise the Lord!" I gave her a funny look and she said, "Seriously! Thank God that you don't feel pressured by time or feel the urge to have a baby every time you pick one up to love on it. Some women really struggle with that!" True. I never thought about it that way. Thanks, girl. I needed that.

Thank you, Father, that your timing is perfect. Thank you for teaching me that it is one of the ways you assert your Sovereignty. You know the plans you have for me, and the timing. I trust that you will reveal them (and him) to me in YOUR time. Like Amy Grant said, I thank you for the things you have done, and thank you for the things you've yet to do. . .

Place

2009-07-06T23:12:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited I can't even think about sleep yet tonight.

I have missed teaching every single day I haven't been with my students. I miss them horribly. I miss their sweet smiles, even the trying natures of those few special ones, and their eagerness to learn. The most rewarding moments have been when I get the pleasure of seeing the perverbial lightbulb go on over a student's head...their eyes get really wide, they sit up straighter, jaw dropping open and usually say something like, "You mean, "when you do such and such thus and so results"? (insert your own mind-blowing revelation here) Yeah, ladies and gentlemen. That's the stuff. Those are the moments that make my day. To see an up and coming massage therapist have their own personal "ah-ha!" moment is a genuine gift, because the gift of passion for touch just keeps on giving.

Have you ever thought about what a touch deprived society we have become? Ever pondered how much less anger and anxiety we as a nation might have if we just hugged each other more? What if we sent people to Hug Therapy instead of "Anger Management"? I say hugging it out would accomplish far more than duking it out ever has (and you know what a fan of karate I am!). I'm just thinking so many people have been damaged by unhealthy touch that we have forgotten what it is like to receive healthy touch. My mom says that they are even told to not hug kids anymore at school (she teaches 1st grade), but she hugs the kids anyway. Especially the ones who obviously don't get enough hugs at home. Isn't that ridiculous? We've become so afraid of touch, so scared of being touched in the wrong way, we can't even hug little kids in school? Forget about buying the world a coke to create harmony (shout out to the 70's ad campaign), give somebody you don't even know a hug today. Remember the people going around wearing "Free Hugs" signs a few years ago? So many people just walked on by...why are we so resistant and afraid to connect with other people anymore? I bet they'd take you up on a Free Chair Massage....hmmmm, that's a thought for a new campaign...

I digress...I miss teaching massage soooo very much. I worked my first day at the new spa yesterday. It was clear to me very quickly that I really don't want to stay there long at all. The compensation is much worse than I was originally told and lots of other little things are just not adding up about this place. I prayed and cried last night, really believing the Lord has something better for me. I just don't believe he calls his children to any form of mediocrity, and I believe staying at this spa would be worse than mediocrity. It would be giving up hope. I even heard two therapists say yesterday that they had given up hope on a particular thing at the spa. That really gave me pause and increased my sense of urgency to continue looking for another massage job...

Got up this morning, a bit sore from 4 massages yesterday (I am definitely out of massage shape, gotta build back up the shoulders) and immediately got online to check the classifieds and craigslist for any new massage therapist job listings. 3 new ones, applied for one via email on the spot, gotta fax one and drop resume off for the other. After running a few errands, I received a phone call from the massage school where I interviewed about 2 weeks ago. The program director called to ask me to come back for a second interview and practice teach next week! YESSSSSS!!! I am elated!!! I was planning on calling them today to follow up on the first interview since he had told me the next step would be to set up a practice teach/second interview and I hadn't heard anything back from him yet. He called me! Just freakin awesome...what a blessing and an encouragement today! Most certainly an answered prayer!

Now, I am praying for discernment...to stay for now at the spa where I started yesterday, or go ahead and step back out on faith. I really haven't felt like I was supposed to be there from the beginning. I have been trying to be positive and excited to just have a job, but honestly, I accepted the job because I felt like I shouldn't be turning down a job while not having one. I really wasn't excited about it other than not being jobless anymore. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for something in the face of nothing. I just wonder if God is saying, "trust me a little more..." I wonder how many times we sell out for the instant cash instead of waiting for the great riches of our inheritance that only our generous Father can provide. Sound familiar? Yep, Luke 15:11-32

Father, you know my heart. I love the gifts and passions you have given me and just ask for the opportunity to use them again to teach your children how to love and heal others through touch. Give me your wisdom and discernment in the decisions of the coming days. I ask again for clarity. I need the billboard, the writing on the wall...attune my heart and my eyes to see, my ears and spirit to hear from you.

Bless PJ as he goes to take his exam in the morning. Father, you know his heart and mind as well...please give him a restful night's sleep, help him recall all he has studied and learned, and give him peace and clarity as he reasons through the tough questions. He has the gift, Father, help him earn the piece of paper he needs to share that gift with others, Lord.

clarity

2009-06-03T23:44:00.004-05:00

"When I worship, I'd rather my heart be without words than my words be without heart."
-Lamar Boschman

Help me remember the words in song you awoke me with today, Father...

My Deliverer, You rescued me from all that held me captive
My Deliverer, You set me free
Now I'm alive and I can live
So every moment I will give you praise
My Deliverer

There's no pretending
I can't do it myself
I'm so dependent
Lord I need Your help
I'll be watchin'
I'll be waitin'
I'll be prayin'
I'll be stayin' down on my knees
That's right where You'll find me
Ooh my Deliverer

-Mandisa

2 Chronicles 20:12 and Colossians 1:9-12

new old favorite

2009-05-10T23:13:00.003-05:00

in a time that has been filled with some serious growing pains (more on that later), this song by Warren Barfield has brought me much comfort and peace lately. . .

This world is not my home
This life will pass
Only what is done for God will last

With the time we have
Let’s not waste it away, no
Let every heartbeat, let every breath we breathe say

Lord, take my life and use it up
Spread it thin like a blanket of love
Over the world that You gave Your blood for
Take my life, take it all, Lord

Lord, without You
Nothing makes sense
Down here the grass dies on both sides of the fence

So all my vain searching
Will never amount to much
Here’s my life, Lord, use it up for the cause of Love
For Your cause

Lord, take my life and use it up
Spread it thin like a blanket of love
Over the world that You gave Your blood for
Take my life, take it all, Lord

This world is not my home...

yeah, the discomfort felt in the here and now are somehow lightened by remembering, indeed, that this world is not my home.

but you make your home in me, Lord. you reside within, that's in and with, me. and because of that, I can feel closer to home. i can feel the peace that is your home.

Bare Naked Living

2009-05-01T12:30:00.005-05:00

so I went on a retreat 2 weeks ago with a group of awesome single ladies from my church. the Bare Naked Ladies Retreat. yes, the goal was to be naked....spiritually and emotionally. take off the masks. remember who tells us who we are, it is only Christ who gives us our identity and really receive that truth as he flushes out the lies.

2 weeks later...

God had been telling me to get rid of my cable tv (for a few months I think, I'm a Food Network junkie...) and I had been resistant. After the retreat, I was finally obedient and got rid of it. Let me tell you how quickly and how much God has poured out his blessings...due to some funky computer error with my levelized/budget billing, the elec company had to credit back my elec. deposit back to my account 6 months earlier than they normally do. So basically, I won't have to pay an elec bill for 3-4 months. Also, gained a new massage client which is more income as well. And that's just on the financial side of things...

I've also seen God answer a prayer before I even asked it in a very creative way that made me laugh! funny story...barely skidded into work on time Tuesday morning and the lead instructor saw me. prayed this afternoon on my way home that God would change my attitude about getting up in the morning, change my thinking on what time I need to leave, help motivate me to go to bed earlier so I can get up earlier and leave for work earlier, etc.

right after praying that, returned a call to a friend, who called Monday when I was on the phone and forgot to call her back. she asked if she could stay with me for a couple of nights and get a ride to work in the morning, etc. her roomie (and roomie's car) are out of town on vacation. so that meant I'd DEFINITELY be getting up earlier to drop her off at work before I went to work, LOL! I later realized that God already knew my need and had answered even before I asked.

He DOES work in mysterious ways!!! Are YOU paying attention?

Song for today

2009-03-08T21:27:00.005-05:00

I can hear my Savior calling,
I can hear my Savior calling,
I can hear my Savior calling,
“Take thy cross and follow, follow Me.”

Where He leads me I will follow,
Where He leads me I will follow,
Where He leads me I will follow;
I’ll go with Him, with Him, all the way.

I’ll go with Him through the garden,
I’ll go with Him through the garden,
I’ll go with Him through the garden,
I’ll go with Him, with Him all the way.

Where He leads me I will follow,
Where He leads me I will follow,
Where He leads me I will follow;
I’ll go with Him, with Him, all the way.

He will give me grace and glory,
He will give me grace and glory,
He will give me grace and glory,
And go with me, with me all the way.

Where He leads me I will follow,
Where He leads me I will follow,
Where He leads me I will follow;
I’ll go with Him, with Him, all the way.

I hear you talking to me, Father. I hear you. And tho the only words I have to offer back sometimes are the hymns of my youth, I offer them. I sing them as prayers directly to your heart from mine.

on a lighter note...

2009-02-21T23:04:00.005-06:00

for the bargain basement price of $18 (a ticket which I bought before my own personal recession), I saw old favs Over the Rhine plus some, now, new favs Old Black Kettle, Minton Sparks, Mary Gauthier, and Denice Hicks host a benefit for a Flannery O'Connor foundation.

It was grand from start to finish. Spoken word, humorous character recitation over guitar picking, and just plain good music...Old Black Kettle is definitely worth a listen if you haven't heard of them. Harmonies reminiscent of the Andrews Sisters over bluegrass...yeah, check em out.

OTR did not disappoint, either. Unique, created in the moment live versions of favs from "Ohio" and "The Trumpet Child" plus one from "Drunkard's Prayer" and one from their "Snow Angels" album, I think, plus one tune from their 1999 release, "Amateur Shortwave Radio." Even the drummer pulled out a 10 minute solo (serious skills, this one) Just good stuff. It was a grand night.

Ick.

2009-02-21T20:47:00.006-06:00

"The light of the truth can be harsh to those who have been in the dark." -God, from Joan of Arcadia

who knew TV could actually be deep? it's a shame this show was canceled, it's really good, at least in my opinion. i've been watching a marathon of season 2 all day and it really speaks to me where i am at the moment.

where is that exactly? Ick.

yep, that's right. I said, ick. I'm back to square one with finances and stability, or at least that what it feels like to me. failure. yep, i said failure, i.e., ick. my massage business is not growing. 3 months of 2 new websites, huge mailouts, and promos and zip, nada, nothing. no new clients. yes, i am still VERY thankful for the 3-4 regulars i have. they are just not enough anymore (and neither is the teaching, tho I'm very thankful for it), since i no longer have a roommate splitting expenses with me. so it's getting down to the wire financially and i think my only options are to get a roommate again or get a second job. no, i'm not thrilled about either.

i feel like i'm giving up my dream, having my own massage business. i know technically i'm not giving up, just maybe "regrouping" blah blah blah. i've just spent a lot of time and energy repainting and refurbishing the room for it, doing marketing and such and absolutely nothing has come of it. as a last ditch effort, i actually put an ad on craigslist today. yes, i AM that desperate. for my business, not for roommate (yet).

i don't like this place i'm in, this desperation. there was an episode of JOA i watched yesterday where they were talking about going through seasons of consecration and desolation. somehow it feels more to me like consolation and desperation. and i really don't like the desperation, or desolation, for that matter. the uncertainty of it all really scares me.

i know God is faithful. he even reminded me how faithful he is last week when i got a card (the best written card ever) from my mom with money in it for valentine's day. not just $5 with the normal "have some candy on me" note, a serious heart-felt written card (written by someone at hallmark, but mom couldn't have said it better herself) along with serious cash. serious cash, right when i needed it.

i know, how could i still be afraid and have doubts? yet, i am and i do.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there's another song that's been streaming repeatedly through my head lately. you former southern baptists will recognize it:

Have faith in God, he's on his throne
Have faith in God, he watches o'er his own
He cannot fail, he must prevail
Have faith in God, have faith in God

possible preparation for the now. hope for the not yet. doesn't make the Ick of the now any easier...

being and doing

2009-01-29T22:33:00.002-06:00

I think that there is a place, or maybe time, where being and doing finally come together. At least i hope there is...in my mind it is this magical, yet peaceful moment where the music swells and lights emanate from every fiber of my being quite like most cheesy movie climaxes.

In my heart I know it is probably more apt to be moment of complete brokenness. A moment where I really let go of myself and my desires for me, my rights to hold onto past mistakes and the pain that goes along with them. While I do think that sometimes you have to revisit the past in order to realize the future that lies in front of you, I think holding onto it only creates a hold on you, in you, by it.

I think that moment where being and doing meet will also be a moment of great courage. A moment where I do some stepping...putting my weight down fully, believing, on His promises and stepping into the destiny He has prepared for me.

I long for this moment to come. I see others around me, some still seeking theirs, some stepping into theirs, both inspire me. Maybe it's not just one big "Ah Ha!" moment, but a daily thing, the whole "out of my bondage, sorrow and night" idea... the old hymn rings thru my head:

Jesus, I come; Jesus, I come.

I think my first bit of stepping has to be into some brokenness right now. I have been trying to do things far too much on my own for quite some time. I've forgotten what it is to rely on the Father, to trust Him, to really believe that I really can trust Him.

Out of my want and into Thy wealth,
Jesus, I come to thee.

"It's beginning...

2008-12-11T23:28:00.002-06:00

to feel a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go..."

I found myself singing happily while driving through the snow to Walmart tonight. There's just something about snow that brings out the kid in me. I get all giddy like Buddy the Elf smiling at everyone and everything just cuz "it's my favorite," snow that is. And as cheesy as it is, it really DOES feel a lot more like Christmas when there's snow on the ground.

Now, maybe television and all the Christmas specials they run every year are to blame, because there were maybe only one or two Christmases when I was growing up that we actually had snow. South Alabama is definitely not know for it. You are more likely to be wearing short sleeve shirts (and very possible shorts as well) on Christmas Day in South Alabama than to be having a snowball fight.

So that leaves me pondering, "What should Christmas feel like?" I think for those of us who know Christ, deep down we know that Christmas is really about Jesus' birth, his coming to earth to save us. Yet it is just as easy for us to get caught up in all the spending and excess that has become widely accepted this time of year. And as I get ready to go shopping for my family, dreading the crowds because school is out tomorrow (downside to the snow), I am glad we decided to set a spending limit this year. It's been a tougher year on some financially, and I, for one, think it may even help us focus more on just enjoying each other's company.

I think maybe that should indeed be more of our focus, spending time with family and friends, and sometimes people we barely know (gotta love those company parties). After all, that's what Jesus did most of the time, he just spent time with people. He listened to and spent time with people. It reminds me of those homemade gift certificates we would make for our parents as kids. "This certificate good for one hug from Jill." "This certificate good for one afternoon at the park with Jill." Granted, we, the kids, gave those mostly at the last minute because we forgot or didn't have any money to buy a present. Mom/Dad would always make you believe it was the best present in the world and just what they wanted.

Maybe that's what we all really want, really need, just to spend more time with each other. I think that's what Christmas is supposed to feel like.

just in case you missed it...

2008-10-19T17:23:00.004-05:00

Palin on SNL...Amy Poehler was better ;)

write your own obit

2008-10-17T18:15:00.004-05:00

i had to write my own bio today, for the "photo wall" of all the faculty at school.

it was a little strange at first, much like i imagine writing your own obituary might be (you remember that writing exercise from college?). there's the tendency to want to mention your degrees and specific achievements which, in the end, only ends up sounding pretentious. plus, wordiness is a factor, literally. nothing to do with pretentiousness here, you just can't say too much because space is limited. 2-3 sentences max, a short paragraph basically.

it got me thinking, how would a short paragraph about my life read? what would i want it to say? what really matters?

2-3 sentences...what would yours say?

Saturday at Radnor

2008-10-13T11:35:00.004-05:00

more hiking and photos...beginnings of fall color and a deer posing for us.

Fall Creek Falls

2008-09-30T11:40:00.000-05:00

it was a great day of hiking, only to be dimmed by the falls not falling so much. we've had a good bit of rain since, i'm hoping for better waterfalls next time.

fall

2008-09-27T11:11:00.002-05:00

whispers hello with crisp mornings and glimpses of color. it's nice to feel jacket weather approaching.

i'm at the beginning of my first week off in some time. with deep calling to deep to be still, i find myself wanting to fill the days with busy-ness, wanting to avoid the hands prying into parts of my story in need of redemption.

so i breathe. and try to become comfortable with the strength and vulnerability that comes with more trust.

Labor Day Weekend

2008-09-07T12:25:00.007-05:00

went home for visits with the fam for the weekend. hung out with Mom, Gina and Keith for a couple of days. then, stayed with my Dad, Geta and Mark and met Geta's sister and her family from Romania- Ilnella, Petrus, Samuel, Dragus, and Denisa. we toured them around Fairhope and had lots of great food, including a traditional Romanian dish called "sarmali," which is grape leaves stuffed with two kinds of meat, seasonings and finely chopped vegetables, and rice. let me tell you, it was amazing. truly one of the best things i've ever tasted.

Sunday was more good food, after singing at church (trad. 5th sunday all music/testimony service). fried catfish, hushpuppies and lots of home grown vegetables and, of course, a whole table full of desserts. we ate and savored even as Gustav was approaching, winds kicking up outside.

Monday brought an early morning with me heading north, outrunning the winds and rain we knew Gustav would bring.

Dad called about the time I got home, telling me how much it meant to him that I came and sang at his church. As we were saying bye, he said, "I love you," and i said, "love you, too, dad" and meant it.

cake

2008-07-17T23:24:00.002-05:00

yesterday, i began a series of knee injections that will hopefully decrease my pain as the damaged cartilage continues to heal. that really made me feel ALL of 35 and definitely older.

today, i was actually up before my birth time of 6:21 am, which has to be a first since that original day...

finals were given and taken,
fits were thrown,
forgiveness was given.

somehow in the midst of the craziness of the day, i was blessed with a little "me time" and had a pedicure (complete with awesome massage chair) and then a nap.

my night students threw me a party, complete with balloons, banners, food, cake, musical card and a present. that soooo rocked my world.

it also makes me even more super happy that there's a full moon on my birthday. =)

(and the "official" party is not until saturday...mr. bale, we can't wait to see you in that rubber suit again!)

so far, i gotta say, 35's not so bad after all.

anticipation

2008-07-10T23:44:00.003-05:00

the annual momentous day looms a week away
this year feels like a big one

my night students are baking me a cake (luv those girls)
mom will be happy

all i really want is to go see The Dark Knight with my friends
and maybe have a good massage =) oh, and of course, a good beer.

life is grand.

having a heart

2008-06-29T22:47:00.003-05:00

it's been an interesting month filled with more car drama, knee achiness, less massaging, more teaching and lots of lack of sleep. i'll have to update later. this is all i have for now...

Lord, you have my heart
and I will search for yours
Jesus take my life and lead me on

Lord, you have my heart
and I will search for yours
Let me be to you a sacrifice

and I will praise you, Lord
and I will sing of Love come down
and as you show your face
we'll see your glory here,
we'll see your glory here.

and I will praise you, Lord (I will praise you, Lord)
and I will sing of love come down (I will sing of love come down)
and as you show your face (show your face)
we'll see your glory here,
we'll see your glory here.

this song came to me today in an interesting moment. it never ceases to amaze me how much of me God wants and how much farther he is prepared to run after me vs. how far i find myself running from him some days.

calm my anxious heart and mind, Father, so that I may hear yours more...

i don't like counting sheep...

2008-05-13T00:02:00.007-05:00

so we do the music library game (ipod, media player, etc.):

First & Last Songs (sorted by title):
Megamix - Milli Vanilli
[Untitled Track] Watermark

Shortest & Longest Songs:
Fresher than a Night at the W - Tobymac (:47)
Alloway Grove - Paolo Nutini (14:16)

First & Last Albums (by title):
40 Acres - Caedmon's Call
Yes I Am - Melissa Eteridge

First & Last Artist:
10,000 Maniacs
ZZ Top

Search for the following words. How many songs show up?

~Sex: 5
~Death: none
~Love: 82
~You: 170
~Home: 18
~Boy: 30
~Girl: 32

First 5 songs that come up on Party Shuffle:

Invincible - Pat Benatar
Glory Days - Bruce Springsteen
[Untitled Track] - Over the Rhine
Taylor Sorenson - Bethlehem Girl
Leave - Glen Hansard

Now (duh dunt duh dah!) for the famous questions...

The Rules:
1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. Press forward for each question
3. Use the song title as the answer to your question
4. NO CHEATING

Q: What does the next year have in store for you?
A: Here Comes the Rain Again - Eurythmics
yikes, the wet stuff from the sky I enjoy, metaphorical rain can be scary tho...

Q: What does your love life look like next year?
A: Bring Me to Life - Evanescence
ahh, someone on the horizon maybe?

Q: What do you say when life gets hard?
A: Broken Hearted Hoover Fixer Sucker Guy - Glen Hansard
YES! this is the best grief song EVER!

Q: Song that reminds you of the good times?
A: Megamix - Milli Vanilli
good times. ahhh the 80's...if I could only go back with what I know now, dangerous I'd be!

Q: What do you think of when you get up in the morning?
A: Fly Away - Taylor Sorenson
ahhhh, freedom. yes, I'd love to drive down to Georgia now, or anywhere for that matter.

Q: What song will you dance to at your wedding?
A: Walk This Way - Run DMC/Aerosmith
awesome. just freakin awesome. you know we'll have a break dancin battle

Q: Song that reminds you of your first kiss?
A: Lookin Forward - Over the Rhine
yeah, just a happy warm fuzzy melody for your whole day

Q: Your favorite saying?
A: Goody Two Shoes - Adam Ant
hee hee

Q: Favorite place?
A:. Shine Inside - Duncan Sheik

Q: Most missed memory?
A: You Be Illin - Run DMC
perhaps too much 80's music in my collection...or maybe my inner old skool rap star still wanting to shine

Q: What song describes your best friend?
A: Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

Q: What song describes your ex?
A: Don't Get me Wrong - Pretenders
indeed, sing it girl.

Q: Where would you go on your first date?
A: Kokomo - Beach Boys
now we're talkin - Aruba, Jamaica...Bermuda, Bahama...Key Largo, Montigo oh I do wanna go

Q: Drug of choice?
A: Cornerstone - Day of Fire
my rock, my refuge. interesting this shuffle insight ;) JC would have a pint with me i think

Q: What song best describes you?
A: Dream On - Aerosmith
classic, melodic, dramatic, screams occasionally. sings for everything. yep. that's me

Q: What is the thing you like doing most?
A: Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears
maybe I should run for president

Q: What song best describes the president?
A: Go - Thousand Foot Krutch
huh, there's my answer

Q: Where will you be in ten years?
A: Still Haven't Found what I'm looking for - U2
well, I do hope my life isn't stagnant. change is the only constant

Q: Your love life right now?
A: Christmas Present - Andy Williams
that's weird, I don't remember getting that...oh, wait, maybe it's on the way...I'll be good this year Santa!

Q: What is your state of mind at the moment?
A: Theme from Greatest American Hero

that's right: believe it or not, i'm walkin on air, i never thought i could feel so free...probably because i'm not wearin any underwear at the moment. that's pretty darn free people

Q: How will you die?
A: A Rush of Blood to the Head - Coldplay
more like my butt, cause I've been sitting here typing this forever...but seriously, that's funny.

yes, i see that i need to hurry up and load my new content soon! :)

good times, good times.

comfortable with uncomfortableness

2008-05-06T23:01:00.003-05:00

i can't believe the last time i wrote was to post pics from my vacation. maybe i can believe it. highlights from the past 6 weeks:

-taught day and night classes last term + maintained my reg hours at the spa = too many hours/week to count + one exhausted Jill.

-sprained my ankle but good (read: 70% tears) and relived the joy of crutches with newness of das boot (basically a removable cast, easier for showers). no good story this time. just walking around at Heather's new place, aka "The Steps of Death" (Leigh fell twice while we moved H. in...)

-bonus: got two weeks off from the spa mandated by the aforementioned injury

and now you're up to date.

i've been just considering over my hiatus, as i prepared to head back to the spa this week, how uncomfortable i've been there for some time. whether or not it's time to move on. i hadn't really thought about it til my supervisor at school asked me last week how it's felt not being at the spa for a few weeks. i heard myself say that i noticed my stress level had been drastically lower. then i began to process the words i said out loud, because, of course, now that made what i have been feeling internally for months but refused to acknowledge, real.

i noticed that as my first day back came closer and closer, slowly and steadily, my anxiety level began rising. knowing the best thing i could do for the people i work for and with is pray for them, and not even knowing where to begin, and wondering even if it's not where i'm supposed to be anymore and maybe it's time to jump ship (there's a lot of that going on there lately, not that i'm a lemming) there comes a small, still whisper:

maybe it's about being comfortable with the uncomfortableness, comfortable amidst the uncomfortableness.

not forever, for now. that's all i know.

_____________________________________________________

on a more serious note...

remembering LA and pictures...

2008-03-29T19:33:00.011-05:00

here we go:

Kent, Marisa and I, in front of the Getty Museum, with the view of LA

Mountains on the left, beach on the right. Amazing.

LA skyline

Hands and feet in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater

And look who was posing for pics on Hollywood Blvd...

he said, "Dahling, give me your money."

depiction of "The Last Supper" at the Wax Museum

Trumpet Lily trees in Kent and Marisa's backyard. my pictures really don't do them justice.

and Jef, the wonder dog, ever waiting for us to return and trying to remember that he knows me.

I realize now that I didn't take as many pictures as I thought I did. No pictures of Olvera Street, where all the amazing Latino/Hispanic wares for sale/ethnic food and general alley o' culture was. I had authentic taquitos with beans and spicy guacamole sauce from Cielito Lindo. not the thick guac. we think of, this was thin and spicy and they pour it over the whole plate. YUM! and I also had some Jamaica (ha-micah), drink made from hibiscus tea -very refreshing, and some Horchata (or-cha-ta), a starchy rice milk with vanilla and cinnamon - reminded me of iced chai, very tasty. None at the famous Bicycle Casino, where I spent St. Patty's Day and actually left with more money than I started with for once. And none from Venice Beach, with the plethura of eye candy and just general cross section of culture that it is (probably because it was soooooo crazy windy that day...I had shoes and socks on and STILL ended up with sand between my toes. THAT windy!) I will pass along the warning that Kent and Marisa gave me: watch out for the Jamaican guy on rollerskates playing his guitar for tips...if he sees you watching him or even looking in his general direction he will follow you around, even into stores, until you give him a tip. you will literally be a captive audience.

My favorite picture opp. that I think I missed were the 4 Japanese ladies I saw on the subway when I was headed downtown to Hollywood. They were headed to meet their friends for lunch, they said. They kept chatting the whole way, covering their mouths when they laughed, as is so endearing of older Asian women. When they got off the train, they linked arms and headed off with the excitement of four teenagers on spring break. Yeah, that's the picture I should have taken.

I definitely want to go back, visit the Museum of Tolerance, eat more awesome food (we did eat at the famous Mulberry Street Pizza - YUM) and just experience more culture, more of LA. That seems to be most of what there is to do, beyond the normal touristy stuff, just experience all the culture there.

It was surreal, like most of my life right now, in that I really didn't feel that far from home. Maybe because my brother and sister-in-law were there. Maybe it's because we're more connected as people across this vast and beautiful country than we think. I do often forget how beautiful our land is, until I fly across it again and am reminded that indeed, "This land is your land. This land is my land." Truly it had to be made, by someone, just for you and me. And maybe, just maybe, home isn't a destination where we are always longing to return to, but a place within us where we can always find rest if we just abide.

I only wish I could have stayed longer...

2008-03-26T23:40:00.002-05:00

LA was great. I will post pictures soon.

I did some touristy stuff (H'wood walk of fame/Grauman's Chinese Theater/Venice Beach) and some not so touristy stuff (The Getty Museum, Olvera Street, Bicycle Casino) and had a blast. I ate lots of ethnic food and at some famous spots (Mulberry Street Pizza) and it was all quite surreal because somehow I still felt a sense of being home.

I would like to say, for those of you that know me well, that I did, for once, leave the casino with more money than I started with! big grins, oh yeah! awesome, indeed.

i do believe the thing i'm most jealous of my brother and sister-in-law is that they have Trumpet Lily trees in their backyard, along with an orange tree and a pond with real fish. the Trumpet lilies (sigh) so beautiful, so fragrant.

so reminds me of OTR and their latest "The Trumpet Child." remind me to tell you about them at the Ryman...

2008-03-07T23:58:00.003-06:00

it's eerily bright outside tonight. seems more like midday than midnight, with all the light reflecting off the snow. yay, snow! you can't help but be giddy =)

btw, if your irish or if you just want another holiday in the year, check this out and sign it:

well, saints an' begora

2008-02-28T23:29:00.003-06:00

the luck o' the irish appears to already be with me...

my trip to NY for st. patty's day fell through, but lo, and behold...trip to LA (and I don't mean Lower Alabama for you natives) to hang with my brother and sister-in-law just fell into my lap.

seriously. how else could I have gotten tix out there and back for $115???

there is obviously a personal saint up there lookin out for me, knowing i'd enjoy a few 75 degree days and sunshine. march is a mighty fine month to visit LA, according to my brother.

Grauman's Chinese theater and all cheesy tourist sights, here I come! fortunately, I have inside info on all the good local "must see's" as well from my bro. =)

Over the Rhine and Ani DeFranco at the Ryman on the 14th, then off to LA for 5 days...

oh, I will smile for days!

bye bye to the old

2008-02-24T22:57:00.000-06:00

check out my new living room, soon to be delivered...

i'm excited and nervous. excited for a new sofa and chair (will add another chair later) and i just hope it all looks as good as i envision it in my living room.

another major purchase. feeling adult again. specially with the new job, which definitely enabled the new furniture. =)

just about 10

2008-02-10T23:59:00.000-06:00

so it's just about 10 hours to go til I teach my first class...

yes, indeed, i got the job! (insert cheers, clapping and orchestral fanfare here) my apologies for not updating amidst the flurry because I start tomorrow!

yeah, yikes and double yikes. there may be little sleep this week, due to lack of time to prepare lessons ahead of time (and the sunny day Saturday didn't help, I HAD to play outside since it was my first Saturday off in forEVer).

Gracious Father, give me strength this week...wisdom, discernment as I think on my feet. let me be engaging and funny while communicating the material effectively so these young eager minds will grasp it. Thank you for the opportunity. may whatever amount of sleep I get be enough...

Tuesday, 6:30pm CST

2008-02-04T00:58:00.000-06:00

okay, so I know I have a ton of catching you up to do. it is true, I haven't written much in quite some time. for now, I must leap into the present...

much like the character Red in Shawshank, I find I'm so excited I can hardly hold a thought in my head. I have an interview this Tuesday for a teaching position at a local massage school.

I have wanted to venture in this direction for some time, not giving up my bodywork practice, just do a little less (to save my own shoulders, and right knee at present, for the long haul). the opportunity presented itself (with a little divine intervention, I do believe) as I was revamping my resume and beginning my search on careerbuilder.com. seriously had to be a god thing, I emailed about a position supposedly in Nashville that turned out to be one in Kentucky, but the lady knew their Nashville site was looking for instructors, too (tho there are no ads out), and even gave me names and numbers of who to contact.

whaddya know? a day later and I'd already been asked to come in for an interview AND (overwhelmed me a bit) practice teach a short lesson on draping while they observe and evaluate. ZOINKS! and they even mentioned to be prepared to stay and fill out paperwork if all goes well...HOLY CRAP! these guys are serious!

all I've been able to think about is my lesson plan and tweaking my resume. super duper graphic artist K. hooked me up with a new awesome logo for my header to help my res stand out. and my lesson plan is DONE. i've even got analogies with draping and dynamite and acrostics using the letters TNT to really make it stick. oh yeah, so patting myself on the back (and thanking Jesus, totally) for that. heh heh, I could even have my own theme song...

a little AC/DC anyone? T N T...DYN-O-MI-ITE!!!

also, the teaching hours don't even interfere with my hours at the spa right now, so I wouldn't even have to worry about changing them right away.

again, I'm soooooo excited I can hardly hold a thought in my head...

$300 Mall Gift Card

2008-01-01T10:12:00.000-06:00

I am definitely not shedding any tears over 2007! what a stinker of a year. yick! in the words of the Backstreet Boys or NSync (one of those boy bands whom I would otherwise never quote) "Bye Bye Bye!"

'08's not starting off too shabby. um, free quarterly poker tourney = 3rd place for me = $300 Mall Gift Card. hellooooooo big end of the year/post holiday sales! can you say "Retail Therapy" children?

more details to come. big grins in the meantime.

south carolina

2007-10-30T01:21:00.000-05:00

so I finally got away to decompress a bit because I was getting way past burnt out...

yes indeed, I went to South Carolina again. and I even got to stay for two extra days since the continuing ed. workshop that was going to enable me to write much of the trip off as educational expense got cancelled. oh well, whaddya do? yep, enjoy the extra time off.

Issaquenna Falls

Warm Weather Icecicles / Lower Whitewater Falls

Oh, and did I mention that there was an Oktoberfest going on in a neighboring town? Ahhh, yes, there was much goot beer n bratvurst/knockvurst and other homemade goodies enjoyed by all. The German Band and Dancers had to be my fav. I even got called out for a waltz and dusted off my dancin shoes :)

an evening with OTR

2007-09-03T19:09:00.000-05:00

I saw Over the Rhine last night at 3rd and Lindsley. It was grand, and Karin and Linford did not disappoint. From banging on a cookie sheet during "Don't Wait for Tom" to some banter that centered around a dog statue given to them by a pet organization ("as close as we'll probably get to a grammy...") to the usual flawless vocals and jam session-like feel we've come to expect from OTR, Karin and Linford seemingly invited us into a private studio session with them. You'd never have known they just got back from tour dates in Europe and it was their last performance for 11 days, a well-deserved break before kicking off the bulk of their American tour.

Swan Dive (opening act) wasn't too shabby either. OTR's drummer is married to Swan Dive's lead singer. Btw, the drummer kicked boo-tay! I do wish I'd gotten footage of his solo - amazing! His mom was there, so you know he sweated a lil xtra to make her proud ;)

One huge funny...a guy (who I mistook for a girl at first) was finding his seat right before the show started and had this shirt on: I will spare you the full picture. You'd thank me, I assure you.

okay, the video sucks cuz my batteries were low and it was dark. i had to keep a little live taste of OTR, tho, so here's what I got:

That is definitely the best $20 I've ever spent.

p.s. go out and pick up "The Trumpet Child," OTR's new one. these are hard working folks who actually deserve your support! hey, and they actually have this one available on vinyl for you record addicts =)

More Nashville ink...

2007-08-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

so it seems everyone's not as up on their Hebrew as I thought (goh, people, what are you doing with your spare time?) and the tattoo begs some translation...

I chose the image of the cross because it represents the freedom and grace I am able to live in only because of Christ. The heart with flames represents my Passion for His truth, for others to know Him as I do, and for the gifts I have been blessed with and am able to use to help people. ["For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands." (2Tim. 1:6) ] The hebrew says "Anointed One." The world tries to call us things/names sometimes that aren't who we are and I need to be reminded who the Lord says I am. So, I have it on my body permanently now, as a constant reminder.

oh yeah, and I had some more detail added to the flames in my tattoo today to make em "pop" a little more. I'm really diggin the new look. =)

Nashville Ink

2007-07-13T22:54:00.000-05:00

tonight, I and 3 of my cohorts, now tattoo sisters, (who will remain nameless unless they choose to name themselves) went to Lone Wolf Tattoo and got ourselves inked. it was the best birthday present I have ever bought myself and I can't wait til all the colors fully come in. here's the "just after inking" photo:

it's just high enough to stay under my sleeve when I go home, the mom shock value would be astronomical - shhhhh, Kent and Marisa! don't tell)

I love it. It means something to me. It's exactly what I've always wanted.

it's still a bit surreal. i have a tattoo. =)

praise the lord =)

2007-06-27T00:20:00.000-05:00

I have to say, I am so proud of myself. *self-pat on the back*

I changed my own spark plugs and wires in my new Saturn today! Be proud, Dad. And thanks, Chad, for loaning me the tools and walking me through it last time so I could do it myself this time =) I'm even doing a little touch up paint work where the clear coat had peeled off a couple of trim pieces. Again, thanks Chad for talking me through it.

Yes, indeed, I have been blessed with a new(er) Saturn...a 96 SL2, Red, 5 speed, sunroof (see picture in previous post)...haven't determined if it's a girl or boy car yet. Tho I am leaning toward the name "The Red Baron" (or Baroness) in honor of Snoopy's adventures.

Dave Ramsey would be proud, too. I paid cash for it at a super small (10 cars on the lot total) dealer up in Gallatin. I can't even begin to tell you how God worked out each and every one of the details along the way.

I can trust you. I get it. I mean I really, really get it. Not just with my finances, but with the timing, too. I can trust you.

Thank you, Jesus, for providing just the right car, at just the right price, at just the right time, and just the right people who helped me along the way.

"when you feel like you're gonna faint, don't!"

2007-06-19T22:59:00.000-05:00

that was from Tyler Perry's movie, "Daddy's Little Girls." Heather and I watched it Sunday night after an afternoon of nothing. it was a most welcome thing (the nothing and the movie) amongst the stress of trying to find a car before my apt's tow mine off the property (are we that snooty and insensitive to people's needs? i mean seriously, this place is not "low rent" but it's not "new money" or anything either).

the car prospects have seemed promising over the phone. then in person, not so much. evidently "a few scratches that you can hardly see" translates into the WHOLE passenger side of the vehicle being scratched from end to end by a guardrail they hit. brake lights not working, headliner sagging, seats broken, etc...

then a glimmer of hope:

a 96 Saturn, within my budget (barely, i am paying cash. dave ramsey would approve). had to ask my boss if i could get my quarterly bonus check early, and get this, he said yes and even offered to loan me more if I need it (interest free). and I have 3 offers to buy my wrecked car and I just listed it on craigslist today.

I remembered the words from the sermon in Tyler's movie, something to the effect of "when you feel like you're gonna faint. Don't! cause that's right when God's about to do a miracle!"

okay, Lord. I'm going to look at this car tomorrow. do your thang! help it to be exactly what i need, amen.

again with the "T" word...

2007-06-13T14:13:00.000-05:00

"It could've been worse."

that would be the most frequent thing I've heard the past few weeks, also my least favorite. i KNOW it could have been worse. it could have been A LOT worse. i walked away from the accident with only a bruised shin and sore left shoulder/neck, all of which my insurance is paying for treatment. the only scratches i had were from me ripping off part of the fender that was pressed against the wheel, so i didn't have to pay for a tow truck and (who knew) still be able to drive it. yep, funny, i know. i am driving in high style with my duck tape and plastic sheeting.

i went straight into emergency/survival mode, not taking one second to process the magnitude of what had happened: getting the low down from my mechanic, going to the chiropractor, working as usual and doing as many extra massages as possible (probably more than is humanly possible for me). i stayed in the denial stage and did not even begin to grieve for a good week and a half.

the tears did finally come. with them, i whispered, "you are the glue that holds me together, God." i had nothing else.

i put one foot in front of the other for a few days, making it fairly quickly into the anger and "are you freakin' kidding me? do we really have to go thru this again? and to this magnitude???"

i find it interesting to realize the reasons i trust. i think most of the time, i trust because i am supposed to trust, because it is not such a dire circumstance or one i have some control over. it feels quite different to realize that this one is completely out of my hands.

i have felt Him gently whisper as He holds me, "You say you trust me, but do you really trust me? Do you really REALLY trust me?" my cynical side says i should expect nothing less since my life group and i have been stumbling thru Brennan Manning's book, "Ruthless Trust." kind of like the belief that when you pray for patience you are only asking for suffering. part of me wants to stay mad and throw the book across the room. part of me knows this is a place i've needed to come to for quite some time.

i eek thru the days with much silence. even after the relief and blessing of my mom loaning me some money interest free, there enters a new dimension to the trust factor:

timing.

i've had to wait 2 weeks to look at a car that seems most promising because the guy selling it got married then honeymooned. you know, he was a bit busy. it appears that like my friend, Heather, God is ever calling me on to an even deeper level of trust: not only that He will supply all my needs according to HIS riches, but that His time table is different from mine and is perfect. what He has for me is far beyond my expectations, most certainly not just ok or mediocre.

but i have to be willing to wait for it, trust beyond my own capacity. all the while resting in the moment, believing, like Brennan says, not only in His promises, but having the expectation that He will fulfill those promises. i.e., He's gonna do what He says He'll do.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.

that about covers it...

2007-05-27T13:14:00.000-05:00

always said I'd drive it til the doors fell off...

I guess even tupperware doesn't last forever. yes, I am okay. not a scratch on me. the financial stress hurts more than anything.

upcoming refill

2007-05-15T23:39:00.000-05:00

it's been a stressful few weeks of more massage than I could physically handle since the Music City Marathon (good for the pocketbook, bad for the shoulders), drama and lessons learned, and my Nannie (grandmother on mom's side) fell last week and fractured a vertebrae in her neck. yes, it was an emotional mother's day weekend. PTL, Nannie is more stable and stronger everyday and they are talking of moving her from ICU into a regular room if her progress remains steady.

strong spiritual questions and digging deeper abound from life situations and discussions in my small group on sunday nights.

my well's getting a little dry, so I decided to do something about it...

on the docket for thursday (a bonus extra day off for me this week) is a trip to Warner Park. woods, dirt, trails, quiet.

and for Monday night:

Heather and I are heading to TPAC to see Maya. wonderful, well-spoken words will abound.

my prayer is to have ears to hear and a heart that listens.

tears

2007-04-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

after being a part of much drama today at work, I found myself really feeling for the first time how fallen we are, and how that affects everything. I am heartbroken at how much contempt and lack of respect we have for each other.

We forget why we are really here.

the tax man cometh, and Ben and Jerry bring the balm...

2007-04-17T01:14:00.000-05:00

Just a friendly reminder...

have some ice cream on Ben and Jerry today! :)

the T word, again

2007-03-29T14:47:00.000-05:00

it still surprises me.

everything rests on and in my trust in God.

i have "ah-ha" moments and think i truly get it. i've been reading thru Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning with my LifeGroup. we read such awesome insights like "...grumblers live in a state of self-induced stress...It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful." when a man asked Mother Teresa to pray for clarity for him she replies, "No...Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of...I have never had clarity, what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

i start to really get it. we try to side-step trusting completely because it requires risk, as Brennen says. there is risk, otherwise, faith is not required. then comes the test...

tuesday i realize i'm going to be late for my chiropractic appt because i need to drop off my files to my accountant and didn't quite leave in time. i call my chiro to see if it's still okay to come, being that i will be a few mins late. he tells me that it will be no problem, get there when i can, no stress. funny thing, he said it. no stress. yet somehow i must have felt stressed, and not truly trusted, because i sped. yeah, got caught, too. state trooper. big bux, hun.

God had my whole day planned. no stress. i didn't fully believe. i didn't fully trust. now i gotta pay the price.

i am laughing and shaking my head at myself. will i ever truly get it? will i ever be able to fully trust with my whole being?

God, I hope so.

Lord, "I do believe; help my unbelief." Mark 9:24

peeling 'em off

2007-03-18T15:14:00.000-05:00

the "had it up to here"-edness is cured.

i did indeed stay Birmingham at my cousin's place for 3 days. i let myself enjoy cinema therapy, nature therapy, and retail therapy - my 3 favorite therapies =)

if you haven't seen Stranger than Fiction yet, do. it gives us all a reason to like Will Ferrell and reminds us that routine, while safe, can truly drive a person nuts and stifle L-I-V-I-N.

go hiking alone. have a lil talk with Jesus. tell 'im all about your troubles. he WILL hear your faintest cry, and answer by and by.

visit Old Time Pottery. don't take all your money in that wonderful store, cuz you'll spend it =) i bought some new kitchen knives and a cozy area rug for my living room.

taking time to breathe is amazingly freeing. realizing that what that looks like for me is quite different from and doesn't have to look like anyone else's method, priceless.

bye bye more layers.

forEVer

2007-02-27T23:31:00.000-06:00

it's about that time...spring's almost here. the weather is changing gradually, unsure if it will be chilly or warm from one minute to the next and i'm feeling squirrelly! especially since daylight savings time starts A WHOLE MONTH EARLY this year! did i tell ya how excited i am about that?

my schedule at the spa has changed a bit (along with my hair...did i mention i have new color, new cut???), new opportunities outside of there are being thrown in front of me, and i'm hosting a ladies life group (bible study/discussion/encouragement..."doing life together") in my home beginning this Sunday afternoon. i have a serious opportunity to go on a cruise at the beginning of May and take continuing education on board, making the whole thing tax deductible. dammit, i'm growing up!

all exciting, and sometimes nerve wrecking due to all the in between drama of it all. i've been stressing getting ready to do my taxes, also stressing peeling off some personal layers, all the while concerned about the bottom line of whether i can afford to take a day off so i don't lose my mind soon. i finally came to the conclusion that i can't afford to NOT take a day off next week. so, i have a lovely Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday with no plans and no obligations coming my way next week that will hopefully take care of all the squirrelliness and "had it up to here!"-edness that i've been feeling lately.

i'm hoping for a hike at Oak Mountain with my cousin on Tuesday. come on warmer weather...

p.s. go see "Amazing Grace" at the theatre. bring kleenex and prepare to be inspired.

the sounds of silence

2006-12-04T01:53:00.000-06:00

the birds moved out friday. my cat and i both said, "thank you, Jesus" not being mean, just honest. she's allergic (we are hoping that no more birds cures asthma attacks she has been having) and I just never really did like them. i agree with what my mom said when she visited last year, "birds are meant to be outside and fly, not in cages." amen.

everything else was moved out on saturday, and I continued preparations for new roomie (and new kitten, whoo hoo!), and new season, it seems. fall/winter is typically a time of great change for me, some years more than others. being that this is year 33 for me, I had an inkling from the beginning that this year in particular might hold some significance. indeed, so far, there seems to be a serious amount of overhaul all over the place (which, by the way, is why I haven't been writing much lately, I know, seems like it would be the time to write even more...just been simmering quite a bit and neglected to write).

metamorphosis is an interesting thing. go check out the journey it takes to become a butterfly (google it)...during all the change, it gets encased in all the kaka that's coming out of it until the new growth is complete and the chrysalis opens to reveal the mature butterfly. yeah, it can feel like that some days, but more what I feel is the complete reorganization of me from the inside out - spiritual, emotional, physical - complete metamorphosis.

I just read that a day before the adult butterfly emerges, the chrysalis becomes transparent. that is my biggest hope, to be completely transparent, let the old parts fall where they may, and get ready to fly...

for my future husband

2006-10-31T23:34:00.000-06:00

he will be very happy to know what Quizilla told me today...

Jill --

[adjective]:

Sexually stunning

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Etta James at the Ryman

2006-10-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

I could not pass this one up. Balcony (which we know is the best place to sit at the Ryman), 2nd row, oh yeah! This sassy, soulful singer is 68 years old and still shakin her groove thang on stage!!! You go, girl.

The keyboard player proved he had a whole lotta soul in his veins, and is possibly an albino african american, when he set the keys on fire by playing with his foot and proceeded to put out the perverbial fire by smacking the keys with a towel! Gotta love that!

She sang new and old favs (thank you Etta for my fav - "At Last") and even blessed us with a cover of the Eagles' "Take It to the Limit." Oh yeah! Check it out:

That's one bad, black woman! Take a bow, Etta!

Frost on the Pumpkin

2006-10-15T22:15:00.000-05:00

That's what Mr. Bill would say, walking into the office on a chilly morning, "Oooooooh, there was frost on the pumpkin this morning, Miss Jill!" He was the office manager at a family owned furniture store I used to work in a few years back. I learned a lot about older Southern men that year, about Godly men and the way they treat others, especially women, with respect.

It's funny, the things you remember, the people that really spoke into your life, and the stuff you thought traumatized you, but really didn't matter.

Recently went to my 15 year High School reunion. I was looking forward to seeing a handful of people, not so much wanting to see others (read: the ones that tortured me all thru high school). I had an attidude about it, anger headed toward vindication. Heather called me out on it (thx for the gut check) and so began the prayer cover. Funny thing happened the weekend before I left for the reunion, the anger was just lifted off of me. No other explanation but answered prayer. (insert big smiles and PTL here!) As H. suggested, I just began to focus on looking really HOTT (yes, that's so smokin hot you gotta use 2 T's) and being myself. So, I got a new haircut and color to cover the gray, plus facial/professional makeup lesson, pedicure and a smokin outfit; I did just that :)

The reunion was a very interesting and freeing experience, one of the most healing I've ever had. Everybody was married pretty much, had kids and careers, yadda yadda. We did the cheesy questions like "Who lives out of state? Who has the most kids?" and when we got to the question "Who had never been married, is still single?" I was the only one raising my hand. So, I gave a loud "Whooo hooooooo!!!!" clapped and shot up my hands in the rock horns and said, "Alright! I won one!" That got a good laugh, and then they asked the flip question..."Who has been married the most times?" There was 2, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4! No kidding. All in 15 years. Everyone laughed it up at the time. I got to thinking later...Man, thank you Jesus for saving me from that kind of hurt. I can't even begin to imagine. I have truly never felt sooooooo completely comfortable being single!

Had another epiphany in the days after the reunion...all that stuff in high school, the insults and general meanness, really didn't matter. We all did stupid stuff, said mean stuff out of our own insecurities. We didn't mean it to hurt each other. The hurt came from Satan using it to stomp me into the ground, crush me, implant lies about my identity in my mind and heart. No one every taught me how to fight that battle. I get now what someone was trying to teach me a few years ago...for healing to happen, I need to let God go into those hurt places and uncover the lies and speak truth into those places. I am not stupid. I am not a know-it-all. I am not fat. I am not ugly. I am not a bad dancer. I am not a pretender. I am not clumsy. I am good enough. I am smart enough. (Stuart Smalley SNLmoment) And dog-gone-it, people like me!

I am a child of the King. I am beautiful, because He says so. I am gifted, because he blesses me. I am loved, more than humanly possible, and am able to give love. I am free.

Return of the Crow

2006-10-11T13:09:00.000-05:00

Sheryl Crow, one of my favorite performers, packed out Starwood Sunday night, along with John Mayer. Great show, as always. Not as high energy as I've seen Sheryl put on in previous shows, but hey, the woman's come back from breast cancer. Gotta give it up for her!

Highlights of the evening included a surprise duet with Keith Urban on "The First Cut is the Deepest" and a cover of The Stones' "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction." There was a "no photos" policy in effect and of course I snuck in my digital camera which was almost got confiscated (got busted when I forgot to turn off the flash - they just took the batteries) and some old cranky guy behind me barked at me to sit down so he could see. Hey man, just because you're too lazy (or old) to stand up, don't expect everyone else to be sitting down at a concert. You gotta be prepared to stand or just peek through the cracks between people like everyone else, especially at a Sheryl Crow concert! The nerve! My friend Johnny was there with me and later said that he should've turned around and told the guy that he was recovering from cancer and the Make a Wish Foundation had granted his wish to see Sheryl Crow in concert. That woulda shut him up! I know it's kinda wrong, but still funny.

Scammed pics, almost confiscated camera and an old guy yelling at you for rockin out too much. Good times.

2006-09-24T00:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you're the Queen of Sheba,
Sometimes you're the girl next door.
Whatever it is I seem to need,
You're the one I'm looking for;
You're always the one I'm looking for.

________________________________

sounds like a country song, doesn't it? yeah, that's the way it sounds in my head, too. i would hope to sell it to Ed Cash or Rascal Flatts so they could pretend it was written for and inspired by a girl.

inspired by my cat might not sell too many records. then again, in these crazy times, who knows?

dang it! I wanna be dark chocolate...

2006-09-13T23:18:00.000-05:00

You are White Chocolate

You have a strong feminine side with a good bit of innocence thrown in.
Whether your girlish ways are an act or not, men like to take care of you.
You are an understated beauty, and your power is often underestimated!

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

well, at least my superhero secret identity is Elektra, I am most likely to design my own tatoo and get hotter over time!

Barely Breathin'

2006-08-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

i just got back from seeing one of my all time fav artists in concert.

Duncan Sheik

it was absolutely one of the best concerts ever. i've always thought Duncan's first CD is the best chill music. you know, the kind you can sit out on the porch with a beer in hand and a couple of friends shootin the breeze. just chill.

now D goes and surprises me with a pure rock sound on his new CD along with Gerry Leonard's "face-melting" guitar solos. recognize the name? yeah, Gerry is David Bowie's former lead guitarist! DS has some major talent in the band, including borrowing his opening act's cellist and violinist for a few numbers. (opener: Vienna Teng - not bad, good vocals and rhythmic piano, some political lyrics i didn't agree with, but whimisical enough to let her string players act out her last song hand motions and all. very entertaining!) Duncan, you've gotta shave the beard, or at least trim it. you're lookin a bit TOO scruffy. i actually thought it made him look much older than he really is. i guess all men go thru that stage, growing the beard and such. anyway, i had an awesome time and got good pics and a lil video, too. got to meet Duncan: he obliged me with an autograph/photo and chatted a bit. i commented that i do believe he has a flawless head voice. (he jumps up into it frequently during songs, love that!) i said joking a little, "You know, girls love that." he did a little dance like he was totally pleased with himself, grinned, and said, "Why do you think I practice it so much?"

oh, and did i mention he performs barefoot? yeah. and one huge benefit of seeing him in concert at the Belcourt Theatre: they serve beer. so i got to chill with Duncan, beer in hand. =)

perfect. absolutely perfect.

80's Bash

2006-07-28T17:11:00.000-05:00

i thought of calling this post, "Birthday, the Sequel" as a tribute to my fav show of the 80's. anyone get the reference? bonus points if you can tell me the actual phrase and which character actually used the phrase...

yes, indeed, i had an 80's Bash to celebrate my 33rd birthday. the 80's were, by far, my favorite decade. and since i never really got to indulge in all the crazy fashions of that decade (tho i did have the "claw" bangs and ripped jeans - by wear, not my raggin them out), i wanted to do it up right this time! oh yes, costumes were required!

Reagan was nice enough (read: bribed with a free massage) to let me use his place, since mine is not so big. i decorated it with cassettes/liners and neon shapes with phrases on them from the 80's. figured everyone's costumes would be enough decoration. and good ol' Chad let me borrow his Time Life Sounds of the Eighties CD Collection (all 28, baby!) to rock the house all night long.

the 80's trivia ended up being a bust, too long of a game. but always armed with a few decks of cards and chips, games of Euchre and Texas Hold 'em ensued til the wee hours. i think there was even a dance challenge or two, one of which i know i won! (bring it on, Beth!) you can't touch my "Running Man" baby. what else do you do when you're on a sugar rush from sodas and Pop Rocks and Skittles?

yeah, we'll be having another one of these parties, for all you that missed the fun, and probably just because we wanna get 80's crazy again!

oh, and did i mention that i had to wash my face 3 times for all the makeup to come off? pink eyeshadow everywhere! and my hair was sooooo HUGE and stiff from the half a can of hair spray in it, that i had to tie my hair down with a bandanna to change shirts after i got home =)

Happy Birthday to Meeeeeeeeeee!

2006-07-28T16:01:00.000-05:00

yes, indeed, my birthday was celebrated with style this year. twice!

Fiesta style:

went with my gurlz to Moe's Southwest Grill on my actual b'day (the 17th) for a small shindig. they had a few surprises for me. the first of which was pink (yes, i said pink) frilly Birthday Princess crown, which i actually did wear (much to your surprise, i'm sure). we had good food, of course (it's Moe's, they have "Burritos the size of your head!" according to my brother) and then cupcakes for dessert (which i did know about, cause Melissa asked me what kind i wanted), chocolate with cream cheese icing. YUM! and Mel even brought strawberries to top them off. good thing since she was driving crazy on the way and they fell over in the container (oh noooooo, not the icing!).

after we were so full we were about to pop, the guys from the kitchen came out with the Sombrero for me to wear while they sang Happy Birthday to me. continuing with the south of the border theme, even more fun ensued, as i was led out back to where the girls had a pinata waiting for me! it wasn't very sturdy, as i kept knocking it off the string that held it up! so i went after it softball style: they "pitched" the candy stuffed turtle to me, and i knocked it's head off! (albeit took 3 tries, but who's counting?) evidently, Melissa was very excited about getting her hands on some NERDS, because she stepped on my sandaled foot and we all went tumbling down like dominos. my freshly pedicured toes were fine (which of course, is most important). however, my foot was bruised the next day! dang, Melissa! that's some serious candy lust!

thanks for all the surprises, ladies. it was definitely one of the most fun birthdays i've ever had!

pictures coming soon...

the latest

2006-07-10T22:27:00.000-05:00

okay, so it's been a ridiculously long time since i wrote something on my blog. i have no excuse and really haven't been that busy, just been workin and playin and such. it definitely feels like the lazy days of summer to me. so here's the recap of stuff over the past 6 weeks:

~another cousin got married. outside. in june. in south alabama. do i even have to tell you how hot that was? yes, i am the oldest grandchild on that side of the family still not married. only one other cousin on the other side not married, she's 3 months older than me. solidarity, sister, yeah!

~the new show Kyle XY premiered on ABCFamily and is as good as the hype. lovin this new show!

~another new show, Saved on TNT, is BETTER than the hype. and, i do believe Tom Everett Scott is hotter than Matt Dallas. there, i said it. do with it what you will.

~i went to Tunica (finally) for July 4th weekend cause the spa closed on monday and tuesday for the holiday. went with my friend, Clint. a boy, you say? why yes, he is. how adult of me to be taking a trip with a boy, i know. just a friend. promise! otherwise, there would be far more details on the blog ;) he's a good poker player, it was a practical decision. so we went, played lots of poker, up and down with the money, yadda yadda, we had a blast! Clint even taught me a bit about Craps, which is a seriously hard game to understand. he came out up a few bucks overall for the trip. i was down a bit, but, (yes, there is a but...) i have won EVERY cent of it back playing online this week (which i seem to be gettng pretty darn good at, or just lucky). gotta love it!

~just finished reading To Own a Dragon by Donald Miller. very healing book for me. highly recommend it to anyone who's ever had a dysfunctional relationship with their dad. i just love how Don lets us into his world and isn't afraid to say all those little things we've all thought but been afraid to face or say out loud. it's beautiful. i actually made my dad a present for father's day this year, a collage of photos i took on my SC trip. hope he really likes it.

~saw Pirates of the Carribbean: Dead Man's Chest Saturday night in ghetto Rock Star style (dressed up for Christina's b'day celebration). is it just me or does Johnny Depp get sexier with age and black eyeliner? POTC 2 did not disappoint, and may indeed be better than the first! my fav was the clerks dressed up in Pirate gear when I bought my ticket and the girl/pirate who waited on me had a hook and was workin the register with it. now that's impressive! i attempted to steal some of her gold Pirate money on the counter and got an "Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh, get your hands off me gold, matey!" out of her. very fun, and I did swipe a gold coin, heh heh!

__________

my birthday is coming up next week. a week from today to be exact. it's the big 33. yes, indeed. i'm mulling over party ideas as i type. i'm thinkin 80's - costumes, games and all...

who's bringin the Pop Rocks???

Kyle XY

2006-05-31T12:10:00.000-05:00

Matt Dallas

ohhhhh ho ho ho hoooooooooooooh! you've gotta go HERE

where has this 23 year old YUM-A-LICIOUS blue-eyed hunk been? why have we not seen him in anything before? yeah, i know he's a bit young for me. a girl can look, can't she?

hey, Alias got cancelled, I need a new TV addiction...

"I would take a bullet for you..."

2006-05-23T22:21:00.000-05:00

I'm rifling thru the massage forms yet to be filed at the end of the day today to find my client's file (cause it still hasn't been filed from last week, don't even get me started...) so I can make session notes when whose name should appear on a form?

Matthew Kearney

SHUT UP!!! Mat Kearney was in here and I didn't know about it??? That is just too cool. Not the fact that I didn't know about it and wasn't his massage therapist (bummer), but that he was in my spa!

I don't really think he's a hottie or anything, but I LUV his music so that would make it super cool if he was my client. I just love that he was in the spa where I work!

Man, it's cool to work at a place that seems to be a celeb magnet. MJ, Christy Nockels, and now Mat Kearney.

Who's next? Bono?

Who would YOU want to show up randomly at your workplace?

vacation

2006-04-30T22:10:00.000-05:00

so i went to the mountains. South Carolina, to be exact.

it was plan C, because my buddy Jennifer couldn't go with me on a cruise as we had planned (she's a Nationwide Claims Rep and on Catastrophe duty - tornados cancelled her vacation) and Plan B, which had been to go to a one-day workshop in Virginia, got chunked cause the workshop was moved to June. so i remembered that my friend, Katharine, had offered to let me stay in her house in Clemson, SC, cause she'd be gone on a business trip and her husband, David, would be staying with some friends. my own personal B&B, with just some light dog-walking duty. =) so i took her up on the offer. yes, indeed, i was bound and determined to get the heck out of dodge for a few days.

Day 1, Thursday, April 20th - i took the scenic route through the mountains, on purpose. i have truly never enjoyed 9ish hours in the car so much in my entire life! i did stop frequently for pictures and little side trips.

Day 2 was at a day spa, which unfortunately did not turn out as I expected, and started the trip off on a bad foot.

Day 3, however, was wonderful - horseback riding, 5- mile hike, country store homemade fudge, and a historical museum grand opening (just happened to stumble upon). my legs literally told me at one point, "if you get out of this car one more time for a stinkin picture, i swear..."

Day 4 was SLEEP, a movie with Shiloh, Botanical Gardens, and dinner with my lovely hosts, Katharine and David.

Day 5 was the non-scenic route back (still not too shabby) to Franklin and straight to rehearsal.

Day 6 (yes, I extended it a bit locally, cause I had the day off for the women's praise & worship event) I enjoyed a good 90 minute massage, which was much needed cause my calves still hurt from that ambitious hike, and good long nap to re-coup from the trip.

here are some pictures

I highly recommend the slideshow =) (though I would change the speed to Slower so as to enjoy it more)

stories coming soon...

april showers bring what?

2006-04-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

so nobody's blogging much lately, not anything more than the cutest new survey or blah blah blah stuff. anyone else notice that? i did. and i guess i'm fussing at myself, too.

i don't know about anyone else, but this is the time of year i get really reflective. introspective. pretty much all the HUGE events in my life, whether they be positive or negative, have happened around this time. that transition between winter and spring, it gets me every year. i get what i call "squirrelly" which means to me that i'm stressed for no apparent reason and feeling the need for a road trip/vacation which most of the time is something i can't afford so i get even more stressed out cause i can't go anywhere and then i start the whole self-analyzation to try and figure out why i'm so stressed since i can't go anywhere so i can somewhat decompress which doesn't usually work too well and leaves me still feeling the need for a road trip.

you feeling stressed yet just following that thought? yeah, me too.

funny thing is, this year, i can actually go on vacation. a REAL vacation. not a road trip where i just meander my way down to south alabama and back, visiting friends and family along the way. but a real vacation! where i get to go somewhere and do stuff for fun, not worrying about how many visits i have to fit in to the day before i take off again. i could go on a cruise, maybe an adventure type one - horseback riding, cabin on a lake, rock climbing, hiking, etc, or chill at a spa for a few days in the middle of nowhere. yes, indeed, i received good news from my accountant last week and ima goin on a vacation!

so why am i still feelin "squirrelly"? yeah, i asked myself that, too. my jaw swelled up last week on the right side just like it did last year this time. no wisdom tooth involved this year. maybe it wasn't last year either. very strange indeed. now i know that our bodies have memory. our muscles tend to remember traumatic events even when we aren't consciously remembering them. i simmered on that today while i was working. what is it about this time of year? my dad's birthday is coming up. there have been a lot of years that i forget it, probably unconsciously on purpose. it's that escape artist thing. pretend the tension between you doesn't exist turns into pretend there is no birthday so i don't have to think about it and deal with it.

dad and i have been making strides in recent years. sincere on both our parts, i believe. i think we both still have some hurts that need healing, though. i know i do. it's like there's a part of me that really needs a Dad. i really want a Dad, but i don't think my dad can be that for me. so then i think maybe i can relate to him adult to adult, maybe as a friend. then i have to admit i wouldn't want to be his friend, having the history we do. if we could start fresh, it'd be a helluva lot easier. i see him making sacrifices for his new family he never did for us and that's hard for me. his new wife and kid deserve a good life. i'd want them to have a good life. and i know he deserves to be happy, as much as any of us deserve anything. Christ died for my dad as much as me so grace is supposed to cover us both. i'm discovering that what's weird for me now is that i'm in a place where i don't want bad things for him anymore, but i'm not sure i want good things for him either and that's really hard.

how i grieve for our fallen nature, my fallen nature, my dad's fallen nature. i grieve for the time we've lost. i grieve for the wierdness between us. i just grieve. how much joy and happiness we could swim in freely if we could just let go enough to really trust God. if i could just let go enough to really really trust God...

so anyway, i'm going on vacation. soon. like two weeks away soon. i might even get to write the whole thing off as a business trip. wouldn't that be groovy?

the many faces of Jill

2006-03-31T22:14:00.000-06:00

so it's the new craze. go on Google and type in "(your name) looks like" and see what pops up. you gotta use the quotation marks or it doesn't work. so for your amusement (and mine), here's what mine turned up:

-Jill looks like hell, because it's seven-thirty and she hasn't had a shower
-Jill looks like she is done laying her eggs for the year.
-Jill looks like a very sweet and honest person.
-Jill looks like she could stand to be elsewhere. (which is why i'm going on VACATION in 3 weeks. whooo hoooooo!)
-JILL LOOKS LIKE THE REAL ONE I mean she looks like the real one wearing the out fit and i think she rocks more asses than Milla Jovavich even if she only uses a pistol. (you know it!)
-Jill looks like she’s going to cry.
-Jill looks like Lisa Loeb. (speaking of Lisa, have any of you guys seen her new show "#1 Single" on E! network?)
-Jill looks like a beautiful women, like a angel and she gives a bright glow everytime I see her picture.
-Jill looks like a giant flat piece of crap.. and i just realized i messed up one of her tits...
-Jill looks like an angel as she sleeps.
-Jill looks like you have pimped out your space. nice. (word!)
-Jill looks like, "Huh?"
-Jill looks like her Mom too.
-Jill looks like a mermaid that walks the earth.
-Jill looks like she’s about to smile.
-Jill looks like she'd be "tough" instuctor if I took one of her classes, she trained military groups for quite a number of years
-Jill looks like a vampire (hmmm, note to self: quit vamping it up at halloween)
-Jill looks like she is in good shape (hooray!!!)
-Jill looks like a tomato
-Jill looks like a fun person to hang with (awwww, you guys!)
-Jill looks like she's enjoying herself.. Jack's.. uh.. I don't wanna know. (HA!)
-Jill looks like Janice the muppet from Dr. Gonzo's band.
-If Jack's in love he does not care what Jill looks like... (AMEN!!!)

yes, that was amusing indeed. go on, you know you wanna do it.

If it's not Irish, It's crap!!!

2006-03-17T23:59:00.000-06:00

Did you notice that even Google was dressed up today?

All dressed up in our Irish Green, we girls headed to downtown Franklin for some green beer and taste o' the Irish. Yes, folks, i enjoyed the traditional pint o' Guiness (with the Shamrock drawn in the foam) tonight at the Mellow Mushroom.

Yes, I know. That's no Irish Pub! We had to wait there and have appetizers while we waited for a table at McCreary's. Whaddya do with a 2 1/2 hour wait? Ya walk down the street and have drinks and appetizers while flirting with the cute bartender in the Irish ballcap at the 'Shroom.

I even had an Irish Car Bomb. Shot o' Bailey's/Jameson dropped into a 1/2 pint o' Guiness and chugged before it turns into a Cement Mixer (which is totally YUCKY - got dared into drinkin one of those before I knew what it was once...). Not too shabby. The barkeep was impressed enough that one o' the female species could chug this one down to give me a Guiness Button, which I proudly wore on my right shoulder all night long and now hangs on my wall, just beneath the Samuel Smith towel (shhhhh, don't tell, that one's English).

Yes, indeed, we girls (Heather, Courtney and I) had an awesome time even waiting for a table outside McCreary's once we vacated the 'Shroom. There were a couple of cute and fun guys outside the pub that even tried to help these girls back into a small parking space with an SUV. It was quite amusing. The girls ended up driving off, even though they were totally in the parking space. Guess the fun guys scared 'em off.

Once in McCreary's, we partook of Irish music, dancing, good beer, funny conversation with this guy that kept hitting on all 3 of us, fish & chips, irish stew & soda bread, and the "No Morals" game (ask Heather about that). Indeed a GLORIOUS ST. PATTY'S DAY!!!

So, friends, I leave you with my toast this evening (raise your glasses)...

"IF IT'S NOT IRISH, IT'S CRAP!!!"

my own "That Ain't Right"

2006-03-16T13:54:00.000-06:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is my car, and yes, that is egg on my car. EGG!!! Somebody "egged" my car! MY car! What the #@$!, people? I'm a nice person. At least I think I am. What did I ever do to anybody to deserve getting my car "egged"?

Now I didn't notice this mess til today, because it's on the passenger side of my car. I just saw what I thought was bird poop on my side mirror. Then, this morning on my way to the chiropractor, I noticed some goo-like crap on my passenger side rear window. At first I thought it was spit (but seriously, who would spit on a car?), so I investigated further after my adjustment.

Yes, there were obscenities uttered. Probably the tamest of which was, "Who the HELL egged my car?!?!?!?" I still stand by my earlier argument. Generally I'm a nice person. Why the heck would anyone wanna egg my car? Yeah, I made some chic who was lounging on the curb behind the spa move the other day so I could park there (it is a marked off parking space) because it was the only space left. Would she egg my car over that? God I hope not. Maybe it's like Heather said and just some crazy teenagers pranking and such. Who knows?

Whatever the reason, thank you to the uncouth person who did it because my car needed washing anyway. :PPPPPPPPPPP You do owe me $6 for the SERIOUSLY LONG FRICKIN TIME I spent SCRUBBING AND SCRAPING at the self car wash today. I guess it's true, there is a first time for everything (maybe I should be proud, awwwww, my first egging), but I still say, "That Ain't Right!"

analyze this

2006-03-10T11:33:00.000-06:00

i tend to be super reflective this time of year. take a minute and GO HERE for me. it's intriguing and i need your help for it to be truly enlightening. thanks!

what it is what it is

2006-03-02T22:36:00.000-06:00

i saw this on my buddy, loof's blog. it's pretty cool. go get your own wordcloud!

Kyrie Eleison

2006-02-27T22:32:00.000-06:00

in everything there is constancy,

"And in the middle of a struggle
there's a quiet place you can go
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know..."

and there is crying out.

be still? are you kidding me? do you KNOW how much i have to do today? i don't have TIME to be still.

there is crying out,

can't i just download a devotional or song or prayer or something to my PDA and get my god-fix for the day? God knows how stressed i am. He wouldn't want me to be stressed about spending time with him, too...

and there is letting go.

"...Right in your heart there is a temple
come and bow before the throne
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know." ~Kim Hill

yet, there is constancy.

_____________________________________________________

i sat down tonight and listened to a CD that i use in my massage sessions. really listened.

this particular cd always relaxes me, helps me really leave stuff outside the room and focus on just being there. i guess i don't notice much what's going on in me, because i'm always focused on what's going on in whomever i'm working on.

so tonight i decided i really needed to take some time out for me. my body's wrecked from doing too many massages last week. my bones are tired. so much so it's hard for me to think. it's time for some yoga and music.

my mind becomes quieter as i listen to breath coming in, breath going out. hearing the tibetan singing bowls pushes my thoughts to the edge of the pool. i begin to feel individual muscles stretch in each pose. some let go as others become taut. breath in, breath out.

the Kyrie Eleison begins. it is Greek for "Lord, have mercy." i notice things i normally don't hear in this song. in each part of it, there is a constant voice, and there is one that literally sounds like it is crying out, to me, maybe even for me. there is no disharmony, no matter how much the crying out part deviates from the constant, just tension between the voices. yet, there is no resolution until the crying out lets go and joins the constancy.

there is that inner spirit in me, that draws me, even when i am running and crying out. it remains constant, no matter where i am, no matter where i run, no matter how much i rage and try to avoid the truth. there is no pressure for me to stop running or raging or avoiding, yet i never feel peace, until i join the constancy. it is only when i let go that the tension resolves into the constancy that is already there. that may have a different look than stillness at times, yet, there is always a place for being still.

_____________________________________________________

in everyting there is constancy,
and there is crying out.

there is crying out,
and there is letting go.

yet, there is constancy.

shout out to "stupid" quizzes

2006-02-22T10:17:00.000-06:00

thanks to my friend, Nancy, for sharing this enlightening quiz with me. thought i'd pass it along...

Breakfast Quiz

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of Fruits on it.

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN

If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff. Mostly, may it remind you that the God who made you has a sense of humor, too.

white stuff = H2O

2006-02-20T11:22:00.000-06:00

i am sooooooo lovin the snow! the only thing that has remotely annoyed me is that it took me longer than i thought to leave for work on Saturday.

i went outside to scrape the snow off my windshield. lo, and behold, there was a layer of ice waiting for me underneath the powder. yikes! yeah, you know the drill - left the defrost running to melt it enough for me to scrape it off. i waited inside, where it was warm and toasty, though. my momma didn't raise no dummies!

funniest thing i saw Saturday had to be my cat's reaction to the snow.

we get up, eat breakfast, and she then heads straight to the balcony door, wanting to go out as usual. i'm just as curious as Sasha is, curious how she'll react to the snow. so, i open the sliding glass door, then the screen door and she bolts full force onto the balcony...

...for all of two steps. she takes two steps and stops cold (literally) in her tracks! she looks up at me like, "what IS this stuff???" and backs up onto the carpet shaking her paws off one at a time. there are two perfect kitty paw prints left in the fresh powder on the balcony (yeah, i didn't get a picture, soooo wish i had).

then my roommate's male cat, Kozwell, wants his turn outside, again, as usual. i open the sliding glass door, he takes one look and whiff and doesn't even move. he looks up at me like, "you have got to be kidding me, lady! i know what THAT stuff is."

yeah, he's from Chicago, where they have REAL snow. smart cat =)

v-day blues

2006-02-14T21:02:00.000-06:00

so my mom sent me the usual card and package for valentine's.

or so i thought. went to the post office today to pick it up. anticipating some good chocolate, i unwrap the package without any ado. tearing through the brown outer paper, snapping through each taped side of the package (wrapped as any good OCD mom would) and rip-popping through the bubble wrap to discover a CD.

yes, i said a CD. wrapped in red paper. but still a CD.

okay, i appreciate the CD and i know it probably cost way more, but where's my freakin candy???

don't cha know a girl needs chocolate on v-day, mom? yes, i love Amy Grant, and you get props for knowing she's my favorite, but still...

I WANT DA CANDY!!!

thankfully, there was some chocolate for all of us at the spa today. the typical assorted big heart-shaped box (you never know what you're gonna get...) AND a box of assorted Ghiradelli (read: YUM) good stuffs!!!

blunt deficient ------->|<------- tact deficient

2006-02-10T22:06:00.000-06:00

have you ever noticed that southern men are blunt deficient?

bless their hearts...

i'm telling you, it's true. they can't handle a woman that's blunt. they don't know what to do with the truth being shoved in their faces without any warning or sugar coating or dancing around to make it easier to swallow.

their system becomes shocked and overloaded and they proceed to become thoroughly offended and tell the woman that she copped an attitude with them.

in the same way, blunt women are tact deficient.

they don't know how to use "when you say X it makes me feel like X" neutral kind of statements, or tell a short story to make a vague point about an issue. and unless you take the time to get to know them, you might be offended by the bluntness.

yes, dear friends, it's a dilemma.

Tagged, again...

2006-02-03T13:31:00.000-06:00

Four jobs that you have had in your life . . .
bookkeeping
server
art/music instructor
wilderness camp counselor

Four movies that you could watch over and over:
The Shawshank Redemption
Corrina, Corrina
The Karate Kid
Spaceballs

Four places that you've lived:
(find these on a map!)
Willow, KY
Eufaula, AL
Livingston, AL
Flomaton, AL

Four TV shows you love to watch:
Alias
Commander in Chief
Four Kings
Las Vegas

Four places you've been on vacation:
Destin, FL
Disney World
Hawaii (it was really a mission trip, but hey, it's Hawaii, man!)
Las Vegas

Four of your favorite foods:
Pizza
Cheese and Triscuits
Mexican (anything)
Home-grown Vegetables

Four sites I visit (almost) daily :
winmovieticketsnow.com
tvguide.com
ebay.com
google

Four bloggers I am tagging:
Queen MAB
Heather
Siali
the hilarious ladies of That Ain't Right

tips from the hygiene fairy

2006-01-31T09:57:00.000-06:00

so i just got through taking another shower. i can't help it. i took one last night after work before getting a massage, but nothing says "it's time to wake up" for me like taking a warm shower. i'm in there less than ten seconds and my body says, "hey, warm water. it must be time to wake up now!". i know you guys get tired of me talking about getting a free massage, but this story actually has a point and people have been complaining i haven't posted in a while, so get over it.

yes, that's right. i took a shower after work before getting a massage. granted, now most of us massage therapists don't worry about it, we trade massage when we can and sometimes it is unplanned in the middle of the work day. but last night my last session was only 30 mins and the therapist who was giving me one had an hour session, so i had time to get cleaned up a bit before receiving a massage.

yes, we do notice BO in a massage. especially if you're coming to get one right after working out, and you didn't bother to take a shower. will we comment on it? no, because we're professional like that. will we talk about it in the break room after you leave? probably.

other points of hygiene we MTs notice:

dead skin build up - yes, it is noticable if you haven't exfoliated since you can't remember when. it beads up under the pressure of our hands and moisture of the cream. ever get a massage and it felt gritty? it wasn't your massage therapist. you needed to exfoliate. will we mention it during the massage? probably not, unless it's so bad that there are beads of dead skin everywhere. then we do. cause we don't want you to think your massage therapist was crusty. tip - use those scrunchy shower thingies on a daily basis because it exfoliates gently every day. problem solved.

tan dried skin - if you're gonna be a tanning bed diva, by all means, moisturize! it will save your skin on a daily basis and save our massage cream when we work on you. it really sucks when you apply massage cream one second and the next second its not there because the person's skin i soooo dry from tanning that it soaked it right up. massage cream aint cheap, people. and neither is your skin, for that matter. its a living, breathing organ. take care of it, or pay someone else to, is all i'm saying. tip your therapist extra if you're gonna use up all our cream =)

stanky feet - oh yeah. we notice. will we work on them anyway? probably. though i will tend to skip over feet that have been in shoes without socks. people, wear socks with shoes (unless they are sandals of course). you are not Don Johnson in an episode of miami vice and this is bacteria and odor waiting to happen.

sneeze/cough covers - if you have to sneeze or cough during a massage, please don't cover your mouth/nose when you do. just turn your head to the side away from the therapist. we usually haven't worked on your hands yet. think about it. germ transfer bigtime. people love to have their hands worked on, including massage therapists. don't sneeze into your hands, people. come on. we have to work there.

no, we don't mind greasy hair. it happens. we really don't mind unshaven leg, ladies (seriously, we work on men, too. they have WAY more leg hair than you! just shave the pits, that's a must.). no, we don't mind the occassional coming straight from the gym. (at least put on some fresh deodorant. come on, if you can smell you, you gotta know we can.) and as long as we're talking about massage faux paus, people, we do not need to know certain details of your personal life. no, we don't mind talking to you during the massage. however, we don't necessarily need to know the more intimate reason that bruise is on your shoulder. i understand you are mutually consenting adults, but we don't need to know details of your sex life. if we ask where a bruise came from and that is the reason, lie to us. we won't know the difference and i promise you we will appreciate it.

don't get me wrong people, i love my job. i love my gifting. i love giving massages. real life is funny. especially the stuff you wouldn't think about unless you were in the other person's shoes. with socks on, i hope.

peace out,

your friendly neighborhood massage therapist

it doesn't get much better

2005-12-17T00:58:00.000-06:00

had free tickets (thanks for the comps, Lisa!) for tonights performance of Handel's Messiah by the Nashville Symphony and Chorus at War Memorial Auditorium. had to go and at least listen, since i'm not singing with them this season. took my buddy Matt, being the musician he is, i knew he would be as stoked as i was for the evening. they did not disappoint =)

the Chorus was absolutely fabulous (AbFab!). i was a bit disappointed in the hired soloists, particularly the soprano, who i thought lacked energy and support. i may be hypercritical because i'm a soprano or just that i know one of the regular paid soloists for the Chorus who could have done a much better job. i ran into the Chorus' Librarian at Intermission and mentioned that to him, and he told me that the soprano who sang was a last minute replacement for the one they had originally hired for the concert (she called in sick today). he agreed that the regular i knew would have done a much better job, but let me in on the skinny - evidently she copped some attitude recently with the Conductor and has been reaping the consequences ever since. ahhhh, the drama behind the scenes...how i miss it ;)

so Matt and I were rockin out during such rousing numbers as "Glory to God," "Since by Man Came Death," and what we both agree knocks the socks off the "Hallelujah" chorus, the "Amen" chorus. we gave it "two thumbs up"

afterwards, i introduced Matt to the awesomeness that is SATCO (everybody say "mmmmmmm, SATCO"), aka the San Antonio Taco Company. a definite must, for anyone who lives in or visits Nashville.

yes, indeed, it doesn't get much better than a friday night at the Symphony (for free) and noshing afterwards at SATCO.

Godfinds

2005-12-08T23:00:00.000-06:00

yes, it is amazingly true and very exciting, i finished ALL of my Christmas shopping last Friday. whoo hoo! stick a fork in me people, i am DONE!

i am singing in the MLK Celebration Chorus again this year, celebrating his fight for civil rights and freedom for all of us. i LOVE that i get to sing with such a spirited and talented group again.

___________________________________________________________

this past Sunday night, we had our first communion at Eastland Community Church. they decided to light the whole sanctuary with only candles placed in various candleabras (from weddings and such) and one overhead light. just thinking now how good symbolism that is, us the bride, Christ the groom, wedding candleabras very appropriate.

the thing that sticks with me the most from the evening was even more subtle. it was after i partook of the bread and juice and quietly made my way up to the chairs in the choir loft, preparing to sing some more. as i sat there meditating on the music, i heard the candle wax dripping down onto the white paper-squares underneath the candleabras, multiple heavy spatters in rapid succession. as the wax pools build up like tears welling up in the corner of your eye until it the surface tension breaks and suddenly, the liquid spills over and down all at once. it's somewhat like the sound of wringing out a saturated cloth all at once, but the liquid is heavier than water, so you hear each individual droplet hit the ground.

a rapid succession of wax droplets splatter on the paper. then silence, except for light guitar reflection amongst sighs, tears and prayers. then more droplets splatter. i close my eyes and savor the rich sound of the droplets hitting, spattering, splattering. and the thought strikes me...

this is what the people standing, sitting around the cross at Jesus' crucifixion heard. except it was Jesus' blood pooling up, then spilling and splattering in droplets on the ground.

heavy droplets spattering the ground in rapid succession. between sighs, tears and prayers.

Kate says this was an epiphany for me. i am just completely moved, and grateful for such a tactile, audible image i will never forget.

well, whaddya know?

2005-11-27T13:08:00.000-06:00

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

i'm still here

2005-10-30T22:23:00.000-06:00

yes, indeed, folks, i am still here.

though it did seem that i had dropped off the face of the earth, let me squelch the rumors now...i am alive and kicking and my computer has recovered from her surgery. that would be one of the several reasons why you haven't seen hide nor hair of me here for several weeks now.

short version: i've been working like a woman on a mission lately, a mission to make those stinkin quarterly tax payments. my car failed it's emissions test, however, and my cat developed a lump on her back and i had this ominous feeling the money was going right down the crapper and my trip to the World Series of Poker in Indiana (just across the river from Louisville, KY) was about to be cancelled. next, one of my good friends, Michelle, was in a motorcycle accident a few weeks ago. day after the accident, her roomie gives me the new addy for her website to pass along to everyone and my computer locks up. naturally i shut it off to hard boot it, but it never makes it back up into Windows, only the BSOD (as coined by my IT friend, Bart). that's right, the Blue Screen of Death.

yep, trip is screwed. i know it. it was the curse of the triple C's in October: cat, car, and computer. as it turns out, God IS indeed good all the time, and all the time God is good. Michelle is well on her way to recovery (which put things quite well in perspective, i quit griping, i guarantee you the minute i got that phone call). i spent $338 to find out my cat is fine - just a reaction to an injection she recieved last month for her allergies (did i mention she may be allergic to birds? how ironic is that one!?). one of the guys i work with installed some new spark plugs and wires for me and we added some fuel injection cleaner to a fresh tank of gas, guy that used to work for Saturn/now at Tires Plus gave my engine the free look-over and tells me to remove the air filter and "drive the hell out of it!!! drive it like you stole it!!!" before i take it back for the next emissions test (that was my fav part of this whole ordeal, being told to drive faster than i already do!). and the AWESOME manager at Computer Renaissance, Michael (did i mention he's totally cute?), hooks me up with a total UPGRADE from my 10 GB hard drive (now deceased, god rest her soul) to a brand spankin new 40 GB hard drive (WITH a 3 year warranty) for FREE even though my warranty on the old one had expired. that's right! i said, FUH-RHEE!!! i must have batted my eyelashes just right or something, cause now my new hard drive is HUGE (yes, size does matter) and this puter is running like it's super charged! granted, he wasn't able to retrieve all my files and photos from the old gal that bit the dust, but i still have faith in Bart, the IT Superman!

so, yeah, i didn't get to go on my trip, but i did indulge myself in two massages (one being free), dinner and a movie with a friend (we saw Prime, very funny and very HOT guy but disappointing ending), a free Poker game and some much needed down time. oh yeah, and did i mention i'm getting a new phone for free, too? another upgrade!

it's all good. i get to go on a Fossil Dig with one of the girls in my small group in two weeks. that will be awesome!

water deep

2005-09-29T00:15:00.000-05:00

while at work the other day, a client said to me,

"You've got a lot of healing to do."

she was referring to me serving as her healer for the next hour, during our massage session.

it rang true as insight into my own state of being and gave me pause.

i smiled, raised my eyebrows a bit, and nodded in agreement with her.

___________________________________________________

i have been reminded this week that the pain to stay the same is greater than the pain to change.

growing pains

2005-09-26T12:32:00.000-05:00

satan can get under your skin like bacteria in a pore, festering and festering and festering until you explode all over the place, just like a zit. yeah, i know that's gross. it happens. i exploded all over the page last night. too much festering.

it's so easy to fix physical aches and pains. i know what to do for those. my shoulder aches? i put some ice on it. headache? take some aleve. scrape my toe? put some neosporin and a bandaid on it.

what do you do when your soul aches?

last year this time i was wrestling with "who am i?" and "what do i really believe and why do i believe it?" now i am wrestling with "why am i?"

Purpose

not general life purpose, i know that one, but specific purpose in each area of my life. purpose at work. purpose in small group. purpose at Eastland (new church start where i'm serving). purpose in my family.

you know, i've had lots of practice doing things. like bandaging an ankle, icing a sprained wrist, taking a friend for ice cream when a boy was a jerk, sending a card or flowers when you're "supposed to." doing is easy. my whole family is comprised of doers. we love to fix things, and people.

being is harder. becoming, even more difficult.

my brother is good at being. i watch him just be and am amazed. 7 years my younger, he is who he is, unapologetically. even when he makes mistakes.

i have been struggling lately with the knowledge that there is more stripping away that needs to occur within me. i thought i was done with it. it's hard to come through so much muck, finally feel free to fly a little and then realize there is more.

being is a little easier. becoming is still difficult.

i guess i had been given a breather for a while. it occurs to me that fall is always the precursor of a huge season of change for me. though it is my favorite season, physically, i don't know that i am liking it so much now that i know it's historical significance in my life.

i was challenged to write out my "Ebenezer" moments friday night, and found that there were quite a few in my life. this is where i saw the trend of fall - beginning of change, winter - things dying off, spring - rebirth/renewal, beginning of new growth.

so my question is no longer who i am, but why i am. what is my purpose? not who am i becoming? i get that. but why am i becoming?

it was enough to rest in knowing who i am for a while. just being. and i can still rest there. i get that now. i feel God challenging me to understand why i am becoming. to dig deeper. to let Him dig deeper. and i guess that's what is so scary.

maybe it's enough to just be while i'm in the midst of becoming.

the emperor's new clothes

2005-09-26T00:07:00.000-05:00

my first instinct is to grab a cigarette, light up, and breathe in some sanity, even though i quit smoking a year and a half ago.

i'm scared shitless. old habits come calling at my door like a long lost friend needing a place to stay for the night and it's hard to turn them away.

i wanna run. i wanna crawl so far into myself that everyone knows i'm ignoring them and leaves me alone. i'd drink myself to sleep, but i hate the puking part. meds and alcohol don't mix. i wanna spend money on stuff i don't need til i'm so far in over my head that it overwhelms me and i shut down completely and quit caring.

sometimes numbness feels more comfortable than newness.

i know i'm supposed to put on the clothes of a child of the King, but right now i feel like the emperor with his new clothes only to find out i'm standing naked in front of God and everyone.

i feel like i need to shed a little more "weight" before the new clothes will really fit. it will require much more of me than exercise or eating right, sacrificing a pint of Ben and Jerry's is easy compared to what's being asked of me.

TRUST

god i hate that word. the very thing i expect others to give to me, the very thing i give the least.

i feel like Lazarus, walking out of the tomb after being dead for days. i had started to rot, and no amount of perfume soaked rags that were still hanging from me can cover the stench. and i certainly don't want anyone trying to help me! i wanna clean myself up. so i try. yet there are still some death rags clinging to me in places i can't reach on my own. i don't wanna mess up the new clothes, so i wanna get completely clean before putting them on.

so i'm walking around naked, with a few rags hanging here and there. finding it hard to trust someone to strip off the rest of these old rags. feeling raw and naked.

Katlick,Babtis,or Methdiss??

2005-09-21T01:13:00.000-05:00

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play".

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means that we're 'Pisscopalians!'"

a pirate's life for meeee...aaaarrrrrrrggggghhh!

2005-09-20T12:20:00.000-05:00

break out the black eyeliner, i'm a comin for ya's Johnny Depp...

My pirate name is:

Iron Bess Cash

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

a night to remember

2005-09-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

so we had A Night to Remember tonight at Eastland Community Church (the church i'm serving in/helping start in east nashville). it was a service of remembrance, for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the Tsunami, etc., and also to let the community know we are starting services next week.

the music was great (provided by brentwood baptist, thanks Dennis Worley and crew, and our own worship leader Kevin Lawson), as were the dramatic readings and video interviews of locals. i was a greeter/usher tonight. so, i got to see things from the back for once.

homeless people came in. a few that had come to some of our outreaches before, and one even brought his girlfriend. you wanna see some people really worship with all their hearts? yeah, they did. and you wanna see someone really, really WORSHIP with tithes and offerings? let me tell you...

we were taking up donations for Hurricane Katrina Relief tonight (all tithes last week and this week are going as well). one of the homeless guys, Tim, came up to me (i was holding one of the donation boxes) and he pulled 76 cents out of his pocket. he gingerly placed it into the box, and said, "I don't have much, but I want to give it!" he smiled, and humbly walked on. i knew it was all he had in the world.

remind anyone of a story? yeah, i think Jesus told it. the one about the widow and her two mites (Mark 12:41-44). you wanna talk about the Bible coming to life before your eyes...man, did it ever for me tonight.

as Tim is walking out, he stops and says, "Bless you, ladies! God bless you all! I mean that from the heart!" and you totally know he did. man, Tim, you may never know just how much you blessed me tonight.

flame on...

2005-08-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

i've noticed lately that i kinda feel like i'm the one that runs up to the porch with the bag of poo, sets it down right in front of the door, lights it on fire, rings the doorbell and runs away while the unsuspecting homeowner deals with the flaming mess.

i think we do that with God a lot. at least i do. i run to his feet with the crap in my life, wanting Him to deal with it for me. sometimes it is flaming, an emergency. but then i just want to leave it there for Him to deal with while i run away so i don't have to look at it while He heals it. i don't want to walk through the struggle with Him. i get tired of all the "learning" sometimes.

______________________________________________

went canoeing saturday on the buffalo river with the singles group. very much needed fun on the water, even though the canoeing was a bit more "work" than i anticipated! my rookie boatmate and i successfully navigated 2, count em 2, "360's" before stopping for lunch and a swim. probably shouldn't have bragged about it because we did indeed flip our canoe twice after that. hey, it was hot and we didn't lose any gear so no worries!

it was indeed a fun day, despite the bruises from the flips. saw some GREAT scenery, even though there were a few things i saw that made me say, "That Ain't Right!" i even had time for a nap when we got back before heading out to play some cards for the evening. did i win? you better believe it! was there $$ involved? um, maybe, i'll never tell ;) just call me poker queen baby!

could there BE a more perfect day? very possibly not. much needed R and R =)

book or worm?

2005-08-15T00:27:00.000-05:00

man, i gotta go read this! it makes me sound pretty awesome, if i'm really this book ;)

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

blogthings

2005-07-13T01:51:00.000-05:00

yeah, yeah, i haven't posted in a while.

so much to simmer on. i'll share soon. =)

here's a bit of fun and distraction...

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gentle Belly Dancer.

Where You Lived: Peru.

How You Died: Killed in Battle.

Who Were You In a Past Life?

A Love Song for Bobby Long

2005-07-02T00:32:00.000-05:00

go see this movie.

if you grew up in a small town in the south, go see this movie.

if you've ever wanted to know what it's like to grow up in a small town in the south, see this movie.

if you've never been to the south, don't care to, and hate small towns, go see this movie.

go see (rent) this movie.

_________________________________________

there's a familiar ache in my soul tonight. the ache to know my father.
there he sits right in front of me, still a stranger, and me afraid to get to know him as if introductions have yet to be made.

i long to hold his hand as we walk down the street and he says remember when...

except i don't remember, or i'm afraid to remember. because often times the bad memories hide the good ones like the sweetest secret you don't want anyone to find so you tuck it away in a corner and end up hiding it from yourself, too.

there he sits right in front of me. a stranger with a familiar face.

the one who taught me how to never grow old, the same one who forced me to grow up too fast. now i'm a teenager with a grown-up job.

i watched him walk my sister down the aisle last saturday. he had me comb his hair in the dressing room, checking his tie and coat to make sure they were just so. i used to watch mom do that for him.

i remember she'd make a three-layer blackberry jam cake for his birthday. it was his favorite. he actually remembered my birthday this year. 3 weeks early at that. he brought me tea. it's the herbal kind that helped my sinus infection go away more quickly a few months back.

he has another son now, almost 30 years my younger. i still don't know what to do with that. i feel more comfortable being an aunt than a half-sister. i hate half anything.

i hope he's a good dad, this time. not that he was a complete bad dad to me. i think we both made mistakes and would love "do-overs" if they really existed in real life instead of fiction and imagination.

_________________________________________

God, please continue to show me what YOU look like as a Father. Show me what it means for a Dad to perfectly love his daughter. Help me know what it feels like to call you Daddy, and what that entitles me to. Help me really, really know that you loved me even in the times I still sink my head in shame to remember. You love me for me, then, just as I was, and You love me now, just as I am. Help me really grasp that You will continue to love me, just as I was, just as I am, until it all melts into who I will be.

"I am a promise. I am a possibility. I am a promise, with a capital 'P.' I am a great big bundle of potentiality. And I am learning, to hear God's voice. And I am trying, to make the right choices. I've a promise to be, anything God wants me to be."

Happiness DOES come in a box!

2005-06-30T22:35:00.000-05:00

Original Ice Cream Pints New in 2005!
Chocolate Ice Cream with Chocolate Cookies & Swirls of Chocolate Pudding Ice Cream

Let me tell you...this is some SERIOUS therapy!!! Don't even start the "session" unless you're prepared to see it all the way through, because you're gonna! whether you want to or not! (WARNING: Ben and Jerry are not responsible for obsessive consumption of whole pints of Chocolate Therapy at a time!) This stuff is soooooo good! Truly, a spoonful of sugar IS the medicine. yuh-huh-HUUUUUHM-my!!!!

*available to you for the bargain basement price of less than $5 for a limited time =)

minnie the moucher

2005-06-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

yeah, you remember the song from The Blues Brothers. i think i'm minnie sometimes.

i totally mouch free samples of skin products from the spa. i love how they improve my skin and they smell like all kinds of flowers and essential oils, but they are FREAKISHLY expensive sometimes. even with my employee discount.

we're allowed a free sample or two, especially when we get a facial. but i have to admit i mouch the free samples of the really expensive cremes, one i REALLY like is $25 even with my discount (twenny-fi dollas?!?! Goo' Lawd, das a lotta moneh!!!...put it in mah han' fo' a dime!). so i mouch instead of buying it.

the integrity prodder started working big time. i was getting a small sample of some creme and one of the aestheticians says, "you should just bring a bigger jar like i do." yep, God. no kinks in that gadget. it works. i get it.

i've also been told i'm a "prize ho."

i was sharing with one of my buddies in Montgomery, AL, who happens to be a former radio DJ/morning host, about my SERIOUS winning streak last year. how i won tickets to concerts and conferences, CDs, and pretty much anything i entered. and how it's started again...oh yes, there is a Winning Streak Reprise!...with lunch for 15 to Cozymel's (to be had on July 7th) and the new Matthew West CD (good stuff, check it out!). whoo hoo!

i said that it probably helps that i have all the local radio stations on speed dial in my cell phone. he said they have a name for people like me at the radio stations, "prize ho."

ahem. Hi, my name is Jill, and I'm a "Prize Ho."

(insert collective "Hi, Jill !!!" here)

they say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

i'm still not ready to take the stations' numbers out of my cell phone. have you been to de nial? it's not just a river in Egypt, you know.

_________________________________________________________

i got Tagged. i don't wanna be IT any longer. so TAG, YOU'RE IT!!! - my favorite DIVA, the very cool chic (hey you!) that got me hooked on Indigo Girls forever, my fav prolific writer undercover as a very un-ordinary person/Nashvillian turned Texan, and the former radio DJ turned Big Dreamer

random

2005-06-14T23:35:00.000-05:00

so tonight at Kairos i go up to one of my good buddies to say "hi" and grab a hug and she says, "you play poker, right?" yeah, sometimes (i just won 1st place in a local tourney last night). "i know this guy..."

my "getting fixed up alert" is going ballistic. yep, she proceeds to tell me she thought of me when talking with him. tall, good looking Christian guy, likes and is very good at poker and board games, lives close by in Antioch, yadda yadda. basically "fixing me up."

keep in mind that my brother got married last summer. my sister is getting married in less than 2 weeks. there have been "mumblings" from various people that next summer will be my turn. quite frankly, i really don't wanna think about it and it scares the bejesus out of me. i'm just figuring out who i am and enjoying it. *taking a deep breath*

i agree for her to give him my email. we'll see what happens. i don't know what to think of it yet.

___________________________________________________

i forced myself to go to the gym tonight. though really tired, i knew i had to go anyway to tan (gotta not be pale for sis' wedding) so i reluctantly told myself i'd only do a super lite workout for maybe 20-30 mins.

end up chatting with the late night desk guy. he's not having fun. (i asked) so i suggested, "invest in the space you're in."

after several puzzled looks, i offer, "not money. maybe time, ideas, you decide." he has a hard time loving his job because it is very mundane and too routine and no one appreciates it he thinks. he's the janitor, the only janitor.

more chatting and thoughts offered. he asks me to loan him a buck before i go. i do. no worries.

_________________________________________________________

i am still pondering thoughts offered and inspired by Kairos tonight:

being a missionary by definition.
God is not fair (and aren't i glad!)
he wants to teach me more so through my obedience than in spite of disobedience
what kind of heart do i have?
what kind of tools has he equipped me with?
what kind of tool am i?

the biggest thing i am pondering is whether or not this new church they are committing to start is where i am being called to serve. the question is not whether i am being called to serve. i know i am. the question is where?

where is this full-time ministry you have called me to, Jesus? you spoke to me years ago, and i heard you. show me where, and i will go. is it just in my daily life? the people that cross my path? or do you have a specific task for me? music? small groups? teaching? show me where. it may scare me (more than a little), but i will go.

the old ones die hard

2005-06-06T00:56:00.000-05:00

The Smartest Player today is currently jillymae1.

you know, that never gets old. being told you're smart. or being told, "dude, you're hot!" (thanks Allison, and the latino guys at Walmart who don't know i understand Spanish). or winning trophies, being given that pat on the back "atta girl" or hugs with kind words added.

and i soak it in every time. sometimes more than others.

i know who is supposed to provide all my needs, to fill me up, to raise my belief-ometer. and i almost feel sacriligious or blasphemous admitting this, but sometimes approval from people feels so much better. so much more real. more tangible. and i grab hold of every tangible moment offered and tuck it away like a note from the cute guy in class you have a secret crush on, but really want everyone to know about.

and sometimes, when no tangible accolades are being offered, i hold myself up and say, "see? look at me! look what i did! i deserve a pat on the back! notice me! love me! praise me!" and people do and there are "wow's" and "you rock!" and i puff out my chest and put my hands on my hips with a stellar grin and say, "dunt-duh duh daaaaaah! it's Suuuuper Jill"

and the quick fix lasts for a while. like an adrenaline rush after a ride on the Flashback coaster at King's Island in Cincinatti, i am walking around wide-eyed ready to face anything head-on bring it on i can't wait for the next ride then it takes too long to get through the line for the ride, and i am tired all of a sudden. then i yawn. then it's over.

on my face, i cry to the one who notices more of me than i do. and i say, "praise you. love me. help me. i'm raw. i'm empty. love me. please?"

last week at Kairos, we "made peace" before bringing our sacrifice, before taking communion. i wrote 3 letters. as i was writing, i could literally smell and taste sh!t. there is absolutely no other way to describe it. it's happened once since then as well. the old me is dying hard. but it is.

make me new jesus. continue to strip off the layers. make my wings lighter. help me fly higher.

excerpts from recent photo binges

2005-06-02T15:15:00.000-05:00

From the Renaissance Festival:

Sundial. or my thought was, "which way is North?" - Michelle =)

Human Chess Match

A coke machine in a castle? no way!!!

For Real Jousting!!! The Yellow Plumed was unhorsed!!! One of the crowd members shouted, "Now THAT'S what I'm talkin about! Violence!!! Yeah!!!"

From the telescope at Vanderbilt's Dyer Observatory (at the BNC Workshop) - Jupiter and it's moons, through the lens of the telescope! (twas a very cool moment)